Sunday, 22nd October, 2017

Excerpts from the secret diary of Rahul Gandhi

31, Jan 2014 By R K Singh

27th Jan 2014

5.30 pm

I have read all the notes given by Sanjay Jha, my new political advisor to prepare myself for the interview on Times Now. My image consultant, Mr. Bhotemange asked me to do a mock interview before the actual interview. I did with Priyanka and Robert jijaji. They all were very encouraging. Seemed satisfied with my answers and the way I could respond to the questions posed. Yet, I feel nervous. I didn’t want to do it. But mom says I must do it if I have to have any chance against Modiji after this Kejriwal messed it up all in Delhi.

6. 10 pm

I’m still nervous. Sanjay says this Goswami plays very tricky sometimes. He doesn’t let you think before you answer. But Jijaji says I must remember three things: women empowerment, youth and democracy. But Sanjay says Goswami will ask questions mostly on Modi, 2002 and 1984. Whom to follow? Very confusing!

I’m okay on Modiji and 2002 riots…but 1984 riots…it’s an old thing. Anyways, I never liked Tytler and Sajjan Kumar. One has a French cut and the other is a rustic village fellow with rough voice.

Okay forget it…I’m an adult now even if mom thinks I’m still a kid. I can speak my mind. I want to change the system…besides, manufacturing is important for India if we want to overtake China.

6.25 pm (On the way to Times Now Studio)

Oh shit! I forgot to ask Salmanji about this Khobragade thing. Something wrong with her visa thing! Priyanka said something about violation of minimum wage regulations. I didn’t get it. Isn’t the US a free market? So why ‘how much wage she pays’ should bother anybody. But who knows, Arnab may ask – how much we pay our Bangladeshi maid? There are several in Delhi with no passport or visa. My BSF contact says that they let them cross Indian borders for Rs. 1000 per visit. Cheap labor you know… good for India…he argues.

If I say I don’t know…he will holler like a bull that I’m disconnected to the day-to-day life and just can’t understand the day-to-day problems of the common people. I don’t even know my maid’s wage. Well even mom doesn’t know. Whom do I ask?

Oh! Shit, I forgot to check India’s GDP growth rate in the last 10 years…

10. 30 pm (after dinner)

Mom asked for the list of topics from Times Now. PC supported her on this. MMS kept mum and polite as usual. Mom should’ve asked for the list of questions as Sanjay suggested. I think mom got it wrong this time.

On reflection, I think I did okay for my first TV interview. Manish says we are not getting good comments on social media platforms. But what can I do? This is democracy…one can say what one wants to – good, bad or ugly. Didn’t Jijaji tweeted mango people in banana republic? Mom says I don’t understand politics. May be she’s right.

But didn’t I tell her I’m not interested in the PM’s job and she should ask Priyanka to take over the responsibility? She says she’s not interested at the moment. But she doesn’t stop giving me free advice all the time. May be she’s also scared of losing to Modiji. I think, like mom and Mani Shankarji, she too does not like Modiji. I think Modiji is not so bad. He also wants to become the PM. What’s wrong in it? Maniji shouldn’t have called him a chaiwala. Papa wouldn’t have liked it.

Well, I don’t want to become PM surrounded by the old Congress fellows with bad breath who always like to give advice (without being asked for) saying that this is how your dad or grand mom would do in this or that situation. I want to do big things. I want to change the system, empower the women and take democracy to the youths.

Did I tell my secret desire? I want to defeat China some day. (I’ve never discussed this with mom, she will not like it. She doesn’t like violence in general, wars – no, never)

I think we should make Shashi Tharoor our PM candidate. But PC will not like it. He says whatever you give him, he will mess it up in the end. He can’t do anything good except tweet or write complicated literary English. Sanjay Jha can also be a good PM candidate. But PC says he’s almost bald. Women will not vote for him.

Well, I’m tired and need to sleep now, but I must confess when Arnab asked me about inflation…I got sacred…I forgot what it was… so I started speaking on women empowerment…but thank God the assistant cameramen showed me a card board with mehngai written in bold over it. May God bless him!