Monday, 21st August, 2017

Early election results declared, Kejriwal sweeps TIME constituency

16, May 2014 By vogonpoem

In a result that stunned psephologists, AAP’s Arvind Kejriwal has romped to victory in the all important TIME constituency in the recently concluded Lok Sabha elections.

CEC Sampath said that he had made an executive decision to start counting early in light of the recent Arnab Goswami break-in attempt. AAP spokesperson Ashutosh was delighted. “We wood like to defecate this victory to the thousands of AAP trolls vols who did Windows-to-Windows campaigning to insure suckcess“, he tweeted.

time-100-2014-modi-kejriwal

The vote split by demographics revealed an interesting trend. Tactical voting by Firefox & Chrome users seems to have made a major impact to the electoral outcome. When shown screenshots of volunteers encouraging voters to delete cookies & vote multiple times (a tactic known as SharadPawaring), Ashutosh accused us of being Ambani agents.

AAP Time Poll

Coming in a distant 12th is BJP’s Narendra Modi. His vote share seems to have been seriously hurt by his unwillingness to apologize for reading a NewsWeek edition in 2002. Modi’s excuse of Entertainment means reading first has not resonated with an influential minority of TIME-only readers. Moreover, his refusal to be photographed with a TIME magazine in his hand has not helped his cause. “He does not have a problem posing with local Gujarati magazines. Why this discrimination against TIME?“, quipped Sandip Roy, a noted pollster, who showed us pictures supporting his claim.

Magazine

A 3rd Front, comprising of Justin Bieber, Beyonce & Rihanna doesn’t seem to have made much of a difference to the results, reflecting strong anti-incumbency against mediocre musicians.

Poll observers might recall that the Election Commission had earlier come down hard on Mr. Bieber for his manager’s blatantly communal appeal to Americans to not split the teenage vote.