Farnab: Good Evening Fahul, Thanks for coming.
Fahul: Anytime for you! I take immense pride in laying the foundation stone for this highway. This will connect all four corners of the country and lead to development and growth.
Farnab: Sorry Fahulji! You have come here for an interview.
Fahul: Bloody PA, always gives me wrong papers.
Farnab: Ok, no problem. Shall we start?
Fahul: Wait, I am just looking for the questions. Did you send my team the questionnaire?
Farnab: Mr. Fahul, at Crankily Speaking, we don’t let you come prepared. We have a reputation to maintain.
Fahul: Yes I have heard this before. You are talking like my mamma. She keeps on saying that I have to preserve the family name.
Farnab: Why don’t you speak publicly very often?
Fahul: What do you mean? I constantly speak in front of my party colleagues. They encourage me. Their support is like a shot of coffee for me. Who will tolerate my non-nonsensical Hindi. They make me feel like a big leader, visionary. That’s the power of ownership!
Fahul: Yes, my forefathers formed this party. So literally we are the masters.
Farnab: Was the Mahatma related to you?
Fahul: Of course, blood relation. How do you think we got his surname.
Farnab: Why didn’t your party announce your name as PM candidate? Are you afraid of Sodi?
Fahul: Who wants to be PM? Too much responsibility. No time for sleep. Won’t be able to play video games. By the way, between you & me, I am eyeing mamma’s chair. I need the remote control. That’s more fun!
Farnab: You want to get Chairmanship of FPA when it forms the govt. Laughs! Your party is expected to get a drubbing.
Fahul: I love the post created by by mamma. All power, no responsibility. If we lose elections, I become President of my party. Take that away! Anybody!
Farnab: Are you afraid of Sodi?
Fahul: Sodi, who is he? Oh! the PM candidate of SJP. He’s very untidy, hasn’t shaved for ages it seems. Why should I be afraid of him? He can never be President of my party. Its my party after all!
Farnab: I think you are afraid of losing to Sodi in elections?
Fahul: I believe in an idea. Idea of secularism, democracy, woman empowerment, corruption free India. If I lose, it will be a loss of these ideas / institutions. But I bet I will defeat him in Super Mario. I dare him for a game.
Farnab: How come you are allying with fooder scam convict Aloo.
Fahul: Aloo is a loyal friend. How can he eat cow fodder? Practically impossible. Its nonsense. Don’t forget I trashed the bill on convicted netas. He’s convicted but he’s got bail. Long hail judiciary!
Farnab: You ensured subsidized LPG cylinders were increased from 9 to 12.
Fahul: Thanks Farnab. I believe in woman empowerment. Woman controls the kitchen. She feeds her husband, children, parents. Due to high price of non-subsidized cylinder she is using it less than required so that 9 cylinders last for 1 year. Less usage means less food is being cooked. Less food than required is being provided to husbands. They are not working upto potential, this is impacting productivity, GDP. And people give global gyan on slowdown. That’s the real reason. Don’t you get we had the lowest no. of hours in Parliament (empty stomach).
Plus one day at my home, while I was waiting for dinner, my maharaj (cook) came running to me and said that cylinder finished. Food was half cooked. I called Petroleum Minister, he offered food but no cylinder as I had utilized my quota. My cook went to my neighbour to borrow cylinder. They flatly refused. I got angry and promised cook that I will order govt. to increase cap.
Farnab: Waht do you think of AAP?
Fahul: You are addressing me as AAP, thanks for the respect. I am a guy who has sufferred a lot, my grandmom, father all got killed. They sacrificed their lives for this nation. And see what has this nation given me. 9 cylinders!
Farnab: Fahul, I am talking about Tejriwal’s Kaam Aadmi Party.
Fahul: Which party? So many parties I have to go. Is there a party today? My PA again bungled. Oh! Sorry! You are talking about Tejri Baba. He is too good. His party’s internal Jokepal is very efficient. Closes investigation and gives clean chit to all politicians of his party in a minute, FBI takes years. He has presented a new hope. I like the idea. I salute the idea.
I liked his power bill solution. Power bills to be reduced by 50%. Order power cuts of 10-12 hours, job done. So practical! That’s why I say give power to people. They bring in innovative ideas.
Farnab: You have called Sodi a murderer. How are the Sikh and Godhra riots different?
Fahul: There are many differences. 1. In Sikh riots, Sikhs were killed; in Godhra riots, Muslims were killed. Sikh riots took place in 1984, Godhra riots took place in 2002.
Farnab: No no not this difference. I mean the same way you allege Sodi was responsible, your party members were involved in Sikh riots.
Fahul: There is a difference. I repeat. 3k Sikhs were killed, while only 1k people killed in Godhra riots.
Farnab: So they were worse than Godhra riots.
Fahul: That’s the point I want to make. It was of a greater magnitude, still we were able to control it. Small riots like Godhra couldn’t be controlled by Sodi.
Farnab: Were your partymen involved? Did your party take action?
Fahul: Well some were involved. We denied them ministries / tickets. We made Fanmohan apologize in Parliament. People have forgotten it. Time heals all wounds.
Farnab: What is your vision for youth?
Fahul: Youth is the strength of India. We have made amazing schemes for youth. If they don’t get employed, we promise them jobs (minimum 100 days) through rural employment guarantee schemes. We want them to have a healthy work-life balance. Work for 100 days, enjoy the balance 265 days in a year.
Farnab: How will the youth survive for the balance of the year, 100 days earnings not sufficient, there’s so much inflation?
Fahul: Don’t worry, we guarantee them food for the entire year. They need not spend their earnings on food. What else does youth want? We are offering them “mazanni life”?
Farnab: Inflation is hurting the budgets of Indian families?
Fahul: Infaltion is bad. The need of the hour is to fight it. The best way is don’t eat the vegetables which are pricey. Automatically, prices of those items will fall. My dadi taught me this trick. No RBI, no govt. is needed.
Farnab: What about corruption, your ministers have been involved in so many scams?
Fahul: Corruption is a part of our system. It has been there for years. There’s nothing wrong in it. If a collector / minister takes certain % of funds to meet incidental expenses in carrying out work, people should not complain. This is not corruption. If the work is not done and minister / collector gulps the entire funds, then it is corruption in my view. We are strongly against this form of corruption.
CWG scam – stadiums were built, 2G scam – money was received from auction, Adarsh scam – society was half completed. These are not scams. Come on!
Farnab: You have given a new definition of corruption.
Fahul: I have given a practical definition.
Farnab: People accuse you of dynasty!
Fahul: Nasty! In fact girls call me very cute!
Farnab: People accuse you of taking advantage of family name!
Fahul: Whose name shall I take? I was born to a family with this name. How should I change it? You think its easy! Lets exchange names for a week. Advantages come with conditions. People abuse me on social media, call me dumb. This hurts my family.
Farnab: Fwamy says your degree is farzi!
Fahul: That scoundrel / bastard. I have a degree. Should I show it to you? His degree is farzi.
Farnab: He alleges that you purchased the degree!
Fahul: Purchased! We all pay fees to go to school / college. So all degrees are purchased. What’s new about it!
Farnab: Why don’t you file a defamation suit?
Fahul: Unfortunately legal cases take too long in our country. Who will pay the fees? Lawyers charge a lot. Plus that scoundrel is a lawyer. So he need not pay. My pocket money can’t cover it. Party won’t pay. Mamma won’t allow for fear of people like you. Jiju won’t help. Instead he would invest the same in real estate. So whom should I go to support! He takes advantage of this weakness.
Farnab: How have you changed Amethi?
Fahul: Amethi is now a big village. Earlier it was a small village. People get 24 x 7 electricity due to our setting with Fulayam.
Fahul: Fishwas of KAAP is threatening you.
Fahul: Bloody Fishwas! He will lose his deposit. I encourage young people joining politics. I stand for youth and woman empowerment, secularism, democracy, corruption free India. What is his position on all these things?
Farnab: What would you like to say to your fans / supporters?
Fahul: Vote for my party. I will take care of all your needs (employment guarantee days & guaranteed food quantity will be doubled). I will empower youth and women! I will protect minorities. Don’t vote for Sodi. He is not presentable, a lot of foreign scribes have told me this.
Farnab: Thank you Fahul!