Friday, 23rd February, 2018

BJP launches the Jumla Card

19, Mar 2016 By satani

New Delhi. The latest brainchild of the Bharatiya Jumla Party was unveiled at a press release this evening. It has been the most awaited card form of the service available until recently only verbally or via tweets. The ad campaign was in style, and crores of Bhakts came online to watch the YouTube ad so much that the audience of the T20 world cup greatly diminished. It was a once in a millennium phenomenon, the people who stood back to cheer for India’s T20 match were labelled as anti-nationals and their lack of patriotism mocked for not watching and cheering the launch of the Jumla Card. Everyone was supposed to watch it in attention mode, anyone found watching it in a sitting or lying down position was made to say goodbye to his/her mobile device.

The Jumla Card being launched
The Jumla Card being launched

With the new Jumla card, BJP workers of all ranks can use it to generate a Jumla and improve their speeches to cash in more votes. It can also be used to answer problematic questions posed by journalists and angry NGOs. High ranking BJP members will have Jumla Gou card, that aside from other things, extracts information about the total intake of condoms by a particular university. This superior version will only be released in saffron. Both versions, however, come with a media rewards program. Everytime a BJP member uses a Jumla, he/she gets media points and media starts increasing the reach of future Jumlas from the same person. The Jumla card also comes with annual membership of Patanjali products involving subscription discounts on Ramdev’s videos and plenty of coupons for Patanjali products which may be in the market this time with manufacturing and expiry dates both being the next election.

Our Fakingnews reporter, as usual, had the best questions lined up for the press conference: “What fate does the Jumla card bring upon MasterCard and VISA card?” to which the BJP spokesperson replied “MasterCard got rebranded as ShehzadaCard and went obsolete. Modi ji had used the VISA card (a card that allows you to whine about being denied a VISA) in the past to beget votes from Indians racist towards the Americans but now that he has a real VISA, he doesn’t use it much. JNUpam Kher recently tried to revive it, without much avail. The spokesperson then got carried away and attacked other cards as well, “You know that Nautanki card launched by AAP? Their drama falls so flat, you can’t even swipe the Nautanki card at bookmyshow! And that Azaadi card, everyone uses it as if it is a generic product with no brand value.

Meanwhile, rumours are pouring in that with the 2019 elections approaching, we might witness a more dedicated vote magnet called Jumla pay in 2018. Armchair analysts are voicing on the paid news channels that the Jumla card will be effective even after Acche Din franchise is rebranded into something else for the next election. A Jumla generating program inspired by the Deepak chopra quote generator is reported to be in alpha phase of development, open for beta testing by the Bhakts later in the year. While this would not be open source, it is likely to be free, so that unpaid Bhakts can generate a quick existing Jumla to reply to the critics of the BJP.

When our reporter asked “Will Acche din ever come?”, the spokesperson handed him a brand new Jumla card and said, “Swipe it to find out my Jumla-ic answer to your question.”