Faking News got hold of this transcript of Narendra Modi’s rare interview with Zach Galifianakis on his Funny or Die show, “Between Two Ferns.”
Galifianakis: Welcome to another edition of “Between Two Ferns.” I’m your host, Zach Galifianakis and uh, my guest today is this Indian guy Naren…dra…Modi?
Modi: Yes. Good to be here.
Galifianakis: Is it?
Modi: Not really. I don’t know why I am here.
Galifianakis: Fair enough. Let’s get started by….(proceeds to move his arm towards Modi and touches him)….just making sure you are not a hologram. So what can you tell us about India?
Galifianakis: Let me stop you right there. I’ve already seen the Slumdog movie. Twice. That’s good enough, right?
Modi: I used to sell tea as a kid. Like that guy in the movie.
Galifianakis: Sure, but that guy hooked up with the chick, dint he? And on Wikipedia, it says you are a virg….
Modi: I’m sorry?
Galifianakis: Virg…Virgo. Are you a Virgo?
Modi: I don’t believe in sun signs. But I am a virg….Virgo, like you said.
Galifianakis: Cool. We don’t do a lot of research on this show. I’m gonna keep it simple for my audience. Apart from the terrible dancing at weddings and people taking a dump by the roadside, what’s the worst thing about India?
Modi: Overpopulation. Let me be more specific. We have over 200 million Muslims in our country.
Galifianakis: Really? Dude, that sucks big time.
Modi: Tell me about it.
Galifianakis: Let’s not beat about the bush. Gooj-rat. 2002. What happened dude? From what I understand, there was some kerfuffle on a train?
Modi: That’s pretty much it. Just a silly argument. Nothing you wouldn’t see at a soccer game. Next question?
Galifianakis: Hang on. Was anybody killed?
Modi: About a 1,000 people. Give or take.
Galifianakis: That seems like a lot to me.
Modi: But they were mostly Muslims.
Galifianakis: OK, that’s cool then.
Modi: I know, right?
Galifianakis: But did you then make an incredibly offensive analogy by comparing the dead Muslims to a puppy getting killed by a car?
Modi: I did.
Modi: I know.
Galifianakis: Puppies are amazing. And cute and cuddly. How could you??
Modi: I know, I know. It was a lapse in judgment. I love puppies. I really do. I am sorry for that analogy.
Galifianakis: Thank you for saying that. So this is what I got on you from the internet. You’re kinda happy to stir up sectarian divisions, you’re unapologetic about your role in the massacre of Muslims, and you’re in bed with corporations. OK. But where is all the bad stuff? Where are the scandals?
Modi: Apparently I am a bad person for refusing to wear the Muslim cap.
Galifianakis: It doesn’t go with that sexy kurta anyway. If you are elected Prime Minister, is it going to be a problem for you to work with Muslims? You know, like President Obama?
Modi: Not at all. I know a lot of Muslims. In fact, some of my best friend is a Muslim.
Modi: Well, he is not so much a best friend as a LinkedIn connection.
Galifianakis: Whatever. So your competitor is this guy, Rahool Gandhi? He is really good lookin, I tell you. Really good lookin. No offense bro, but how on earth is he losing to you?
Galifianakis: Dude, enough is enough. I’m just going to come out and ask it.
Galifianakis: Are you a virgin?
Galifianakis: A virgin?
Galifianakis: Like the Pope?
Modi: No, not like the Pope. I am actually a virgin.
Galifianakis: Wow! So that explains all the collectible action figures and dolls in your dressing room.
Modi: They are not dolls. They are idols of our deities.
Galifianakis: I’ve always wanted to ask this. Why do you Indians have like a million Gods?
Modi: Why do you Americans have like a million apps for your iPhone?
Galifianakis: Touche. Have you seen The Hangover?
Modi: No, what is it?
Galifianakis: It’s a movie I was in. It’s about these 4 guys who go to Vegas and party and drink all night and hang out with strippers and hookers and get married to them. It’s some crazy ass shit.
Modi: To be honest with you, that sounds like an utterly detestable and despicable way to live one’s life.
Modi: Are there any Muslims in the movie?
Galifianakis: Not that I know of.
Modi: Fine. I will watch it.
Galifianakis: You’re cool. Wanna hang out after the show?
Modi: I can’t. I need to leave. I don’t have a US visa, remember? I shouldn’t even be here.
Galifianakis: How did you….
[End of transcript]