Sunday, 25th March, 2018

Azam Khan’s buffaloes stop producing milk; feeling slighted

27, Jun 2014 By Goparaju V. Ramesh

All of Azam Khan’s buffaloes, at once, stopped producing milk. When this news spread like wildfire across UP, all the veterinary officials, and staff of the department of Animal Husbandry, starting from Peon to Principal Secretary, from simple compounder to senior Veterinary Medical Officers rushed to Rampur.

Depressed buffaloes.

The reluctance of their lactation was first thought to be due to “the dry period” that is common for such animals. When majority of the officers proclaimed thus, and wanted to escape the ordeal, one middle-level officer, who wants to gain favours, murmured “How come all the buffaloes go into ‘dry period’ at once? There must be something else”. Even though he muttered, he ensured that it was audible enough for the powers that be.

Then, animal psychologists have been summoned urgently and pressed into service immediately to get the situation assessed in a more scientific and methodical manner.  After conducting a series of tests, using apparatus imported from Japan and Germany, it has been found that the buffaloes of ‘his highness’ were feeling depressed, and as a result, their productivity and production of milk plummeted to the nadir. The tests have also pointed out that the reason for that depression must be getting insulted/slighted upon witnessing better/equal treatment for those that, they feel, are inferior to them.

Finally, the actual cause could be found out in one of the dust bins in the farm-house that accommodated those buffaloes.

A crumpled news-paper with this news-item was found in it ->

Mystery of MP’s Jackfruit: Cops clueless

A day after Delhi Police launched a manhunt for kathal thieves who struck in the garden of JD(U) MP Mahendra Prasad, the fate of the missing fruit remained unknown, and investigators feared the worst. “They must have been cooked and eaten,” said an officer investigating the theft.

After finding the root-cause, one of the officials present over there, who did MBA from one of the most prestigious business schools, immediately jumped into the fray, and  prepared a report containing CA-PA (Corrective Action – Preventive Action). It ran like this.

Depression inducing Jealousy in Buffaloes – Root-cause Analysis & CAPA Report

Root-cause Analysis – Animals, especially mammals, feel that they are always superior to plants. Hence, if they witness even equal treatment, let alone better one, is being given to the latter, then they feel severely dejected with depression, which deleteriously affects their milk-producing glands. Many research papers from Harvard have shown a direct correlational-link between the emotional state of Buffaloes and their milk-yielding prowess.

Corrective Action – Ensure that the majority of the police, who are currently investigating the case involving the theft of Jackfruit in New Delhi belong to such a rank, which is inferior to that of those, who investigated the missing brethren of these Buffaloes a few months ago.

Preventive Action – Whenever these buffaloes get stolen in future, minimum CBI inquiry would be authorised with Interpol-alert across nations of the world.

When this report was placed in front of the buffaloes, they instantaneously started feeling happy and giving milk with increased vigour after having joyously urinated on the report.

All the officials thanked the MBA profusely, while simultaneously sulking in jealousy for they thought, with a sound logic, that the latter would be handsomely rewarded for he so wonderfully used his MBA knowledge to solve such a pressing problem.