You heard it right, he has seen enough, he has heard enough and of late he has read enough. During last ten years, the prime minister has been subjected to continuous attack by TV, print & social media and that’s why he quit watching TV, reading newspapers and joined Orkut (where no one makes fun of him these days) seeking solitude.
Since then, the prime minister has been keeping himself busy with books. And ever since the PM has learnt that two of his former retired officers were going to earn lifelong royalties mostly by criticising the PM in their respective books, he has not had a proper sleep. And for a change, he has decided to fight fire with fire, and come up with his own sensational book which promises to expose the one and all of Indian politics. Faking News team has got a chance to have a first-hand look into the book and we bring here the exclusive excerpts from the book which has the potential to upset everyone from 10 Janpath to the White House.
Chapter One: Distribution of Cabinet Portfolios in UPA Government In this chapter, MMS reveals the secret behind the portfolio allocation in UPA governments. He writes “with so many allies asking for same portfolio it was the biggest problem that Madam Ji faced in her political career. Initially it was decided that there will be a lottery system but when Ajit Singh didn’t win a single lottery, he ran away with Praful Patel’s chair during a dinner party. It was only then, when Madam Ji came up with this brilliant idea of musical chair game which was held occasionally at 10 Janpath to decide cabinet portfolios. Now readers can understand why I lost so much additional ministries in the later part of the cabinet, I was good with lottery system where I won several departments such as finance & coal in early days but the musical chair system was too risky for me to participate in the later part.”
Chapter 2: Twitter: The Great Conspiracy This chapter talks about a conspiracy that will shake you from inside, “Did you ever notice why Rahul Baba never joined Twitter? It’s not that he didn’t know about Twitlonger application that would have allowed him to post his one hour long speech on twitter, but the fact that he knew the truth. And it’s not just Rahul Baba, neither Madam Ji nor Baby Priyanka ever created a Twitter id, they never joined twitter because they knew the truth. Discovery of Twitter was actually a conspiracy to fool the people of this country. It was created and promoted by the state and handed over to the people in order to limit their anger to a top trending hashtag and to ensure that they never take to the streets. If you remember, it was a cabinet minister named Mr Tharoor who brought Twitter to India and was later deliberately sacrificed for a brief period to convince the people about the power of Twitter. Even I was forced to join twitter only to make people believe that it’s a real deal.”
Chapter 3: Truth Behind “The Tearing of Ordinance” and The “Dehati Aurat” Comment In this chapter, PM unravels the bizarre facts and developments behind the incident where Rahul Gandhi stormed into a congress press conference and threatened to tear down the ordinance which was intended to save tainted leaders. MMS writes “It was complete goof-up and media made a mess out of it. I still remember that I was in USA, I just had a meeting with president Obama and later with Pakistani PM Nawaz Sharif. For those who don’t know, Rahul Baba is extremely fond of pizzas. Every month we get pizzas from Europe imported to New Delhi especially for him. During our meeting President Obama told me that US was ready to give Pizza making technology to Pakistan and since Pakistan had enough flour and raw toppings, India could import cheaper pizzas from Pakistan which would benefit both the countries. With my bargaining skills I forced Pak PM to offer us good quality pizzas on cheapest prices and it was only that he was impressed with my bargaining skills when he termed me a “dehati aurat”, which was a compliment that folks back home could not understand. Anyways deal was done for the Paki Pizza for Rahul Baba and just before boarding my plane back to home a copy of the same was sent to Rahul Baba. He half read it and mistook it as an ordinance to stop import of pizza from Europe and went ahead to tear it down in public. By the time I returned, everything had changed. Later when Sonia Ji told him that he missed the chance of having freshly imported pizza every day, he realised his mistake. Though he did not say sorry to me but I could see that he actually meant that.”
Chapter 4: The Myth of Arnab Goswami Many people believe that every congress leaders has a certain anxiety for a particular editor named Arnab Goswami, but PM reveals the hidden truth behind the myth of Arnab Goswami in this chapter. MMS says “From the beginning, I had a suspicion that my ministers and my party leaders undermine me, it was only after UPA 1 that I was certain about it. I had to do something, something that enables me to teach lessons to the big-mouth spokespersons and high headed ministers in my government. How does one feel when a certain Mr Kalmadi doesn’t give extra passes for the CWG opening ceremony to the PM or how could I forget the telecom minister Raja giving my lucky phone number to Rahul Baba? I had to take the revenge and then I came across with this young Bengali editor who wanted to earn a name for himself, I would not call it an idea, it was a lightning that struck my head when I came up with this brilliant plan to create this monstrous, ever-angry and never forgiving TV anchor. In early days, I used my good relations with Pakistan to provide him guests from across the border who would be scolded by him weeknight after weeknight winning millions of Indian hearts. And once he was ready I had to make the ultimate sacrifice. I called the infamous press conference in which Arnab scolded me as per my script, the message was clear, if the prime minister can’t get away, no one can get away. Since then, he has brought everyone down to their knees while I kept enjoying the show. These days I have a habit of watching the Rahul Baba interview on every Sunday on Youtube”
Chapter 5: Reality of MMS This is the most shocking part of the book, which will shake every reader’s mind forever. MMS reveals his true identity and eveyr reader is bound to get a shock when the face behind the white beard and blue turban comes up. MMS writes “It’s not that I was not enjoying doing movies, but I wanted some more thrill in life, at the same time I did not want to leave Chennai. One day while I was watching Shaktiman on TV, I saw the character of Gangadhar who was equally opposite to Shaktiman. I had my avatar clear in head, I defeated Atal Ji from behind in 2004 election, Advani Ji in 2009 and I’ll ensure that congress party will be defeated in 2014. For those who are still guessing, my name is Rajinikanth”. Authour: @AnkiitKoomar