New Delhi: Law Minister Jitendra Singh Tomar could have avoided arrest by Delhi police in the same way national athlete Paan Singh Tomar did a few years back. While that did not end well for Paan, we bring you a special news analysis on how Mr. Tomar could have actually avoided arrest and perhaps continued with his position.
1) Displaying his AAP Certified Political Professional (ACPoPro) certificate
Tomar is an AAP certified Political Professional. He could have easily saved himself by displaying the AAP honesty certificate which is provided by Mr Kejriwal to all his ministers, volunteers and associates by default. This certificate issued in Delhi is actually valid throughout the known universe and even agencies such a CIA and FBI will give you a free pass once you flash this ACPoPro certificate to authorities. Might also work with security agencies outside earth if you get into a brawl in a pub, on alien planets. A must have for regular law offenders.
2) Wearing a sparkling white Kurta freshly washed with Tide (Lemon Flavor)
Two benefits here, firstly people wearing white clothes are generally considered extremely honest as shown in detergent advertisements. Secondly clothes washed with Tide (Nimbu ki Shakti) generally get so white that people around you are blinded for a few seconds because of the ultra-shine coming out of the fabric. This would have given Tomar a chance to escape while policemen were blinded, and evade arrest. Infact this particular detergent is also used by Journalists to constantly wash the secular fabric of the country. Side-effect being your colleagues, especially girls back-bitching about the paranormal whiteness of your dress, but I think Mr. Tomar can live with that.
3) Teleportation to an unknown location
Many of the readers might already have decided not to read this reason and skip over to the next. Pity them because then they will be missing on the secret of the century. Teleportation is geeky for sure, but has been a closely guarded secret within political and media circles for thousands of years.
Simplified Definition: Teleportation is nothing but instantaneous decomposition of the body into atoms which are then recalibrated at a completely different location. For scientifically differently abled it means you disappear in one location and appear in another.
Example 1: Just before election a politician is in your street right in front of you, smiling broadly with hands folded. The instant he wins the election, he teleports himself to an unknown location for a few years (5 in general). I know this is beaten-to-death example, but still how contemporary. Also called Poliportation.
Example 2: If a barber even by mistake puts a small nick on the neck of someone from a specific community near Delhi, Media shows that news for 25 hours a day 8 days a week. But even if people from another community are brutally killed in streets, the media teleports itself to an unknown location and starts talking about Delhi politics. Also called Mediportation.
4) Immediately leaving for UP and staying there for next few years
Tomar could have left for UP immediately. Kyonki jurm wahan pe kam hai, so police wahan pe kam hai. I know sounds weird, but it’s true. So when police force in UP is less in number and are only focusing on really important cases who will bother arresting a bhagoda apraadhi from Delhi.
Although when you first read the headline of this reason, you thought because police isn’t active in UP and goons rule the streets, there is a big goonda raj, there is no law and order at all in UP? You dirty mind. All that is totally untrue.
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6) Enrolling into IIQM’s BBA+MBA+LLB program (3 day crash-course) – Tatkal version
IIQM’s degrees might not be recognized anywhere outside IIQM towers but they are not fake at all. They are genuine degrees. And their 3 days crash course BBA+MBA+LLB is a totally genuine degree and is universally recognized in India and Europe. Had Tomar enrolled himself in their “Tatkal” course he would have successfully been awarded a law degree within 3 days and could have evaded arrest on grounds of false degree. Side effect is that since these world-class degrees come with excessive global exposure, he could suffered severe tanning on the skin generally caused by such intense exposure.