Tuesday, 27th June, 2017

Union ministry declares 'The Newshour' an epidemic

30, Dec 2013 By khabardaraaz

After correctly identifying homosexuality as a mental illness and proving wrong decades of research at the American Psychological Association that delisted homosexuality as a crime, the Union Ministry of Health is now worried about a new public health menace: The News Hour with Arnab Goswami.

arnab goswami
Root cause.

More reports are floating in every day of viewers suffering from mysterious illnesses after they watch a good hour of Arnab speaking to himself, with six or seven random people floating around the screen saying “Arnab, I…”.

From residents of the upmarket Campa Cola Building and Aadarsh Cooperative Housing Society, themselves the subjects of the Arnab Hour, to slum-dwellers of the recently regularized colonies of New Delhi (which may be named Arvind Nagar, Shazia Slums or Communist Kunj – the name Anna Nagar was discarded with unseemly haste, citing the similarly-named locality in Chennai) – right-minded as well as left-leaning people are all reporting diseases such as uncontrolled nosebleeds, diarrhea, heart attacks and apoplectic attacks.

Dr Vedvani Khopdagaddhe, the eminent gynecologist who now works for Women’s Welfare by cutting her maid’s salary to fund her kitty parties, has issued a strict warning for pregnant women: “The News Hour with Arnab Goswami is known to induce abortions in some women, but at the very least it leads to increased levels of fetal activity, more commonly known as kicking and screaming – if you are within five hundred meters of a TV playing The News Hour, I advise you to cover yourself with acoustic insulation. I know of a case where, upon watching the show, the mother had a premature delivery and promptly launched into a shouting match with the child, shouting “Never ever. Ever ever. Ever ever. Cry”, while the baby just stared at his mother and cried ever more loudly.”

The News Hour is responsible not just for such physical problems but is also found to be a source of constant relationship stress. Radhika Hoshiyar, 25, from Bandra (W) is a designer of toothbrushes for the elderly. She was used to watching her daily dose of soporific operas…err, soap operas with her husband Nandu Nikelani, 29, who designs software for the government but earns money through suspect channels. “Once The News Hour started, we could never agree on anything. My husband has recently taken to saying ‘Radhika Hoshiyar Nikelani,  I have in my hand a piece of paper that says couples in India are making love less frequently. Are you contributing to that, Radhika Hoshiyar Nikelani? No. No. No. No.’ Yesterday, he even got a God-awful gelled side parting at the local saloon,” says Radhika, bursting into tears.

The Union Health Ministry, meanwhile, has reacted to the Supreme Court’s recent ruling on The News Hour that upheld the archaic Emergency-era Section 773 (N), which said that any form of journalistic intercourse against the order of nature is criminal and invites life imprisonment for the journalist as well as the viewer. The Court said that the Emergency-era rule must be upheld since it is legally sound. Conservatives cutting across parties celebrated the decision, saying that glorious Indian culture has been upheld, while Liberace-loving liberals as well as paid panelists were left quaking with fear.

Meanwhile, it has come to our notice that The News Hour with Arnab Goswami shall open with this leading question tonight: “Has the right to correct, unbiased and fact-based journalism as symbolized by Arnab Goswami gone to the dogs?” Charging and defending the motion…err, notion would be Arnab, Arnab, Arnab, Arnab and Arnab.