After Rahul Gandhi’s interview with Arnab Goswami on January 27, Arnab seems to have lost his reputation as a feared newsman. Several celebrities are furious that Goswami was much mellower than usual and allowed Rahul Gandhi out alive despite the fact that most of his answers were irrelevant.
Unconfirmed sources tell us that other politicians and celebs are planning to tackle future queries on Arnab’s show in the same evasive manner. Faking News managed to lay hands on some likely conversations:
Arnab Goswami to the Delhi CM: Mr Kejriwal, what do you have to say about Somnath Bharti’s involvement in the Khirki harassment case?
Kejriwal: I carry my sleeping bag with me everywhere. In fact, it remains in the boot of my Wagon R, because I never know when they’d advise me to hit the streets. Also, I keep a spare muffler handy – it doubles up as a pillow.
Arnab to panchayat members accused in the WB gangrape case: Why do you feel that gang-raping the victim was the way to ‘correct’ her?
Panchayat head: Women should not be given mobile phones, else they watch porn and get horny. They should not be taught biology either, else they get horny. Horny girls are against our culture. They should all be locked up together indoors.
Arnab to Akhilesh Yadav: The nation wants to know: how much taxpayers’ money was wasted at Saifai?
Yadav: The Swarovski crystals in Madhuriji’s ghaghra were specially imported from China. Now, the ghaghra will be auctioned online. All proceeds will be used for Mulayam Papaji’s hair transplants.
Arnab to Meenakshi Lekhi: Rahul Gandhi has termed the BJP a party that believes in ‘concentration of power’. Your comments?
Lekhi: I am in love with Modiji’s sartorial sense. I love the way he matches his kurtas with pajamas! But his designer has refused to work on my wardrobe. Arnab, will you request him on my behalf please?!
Arnab to Abhijit Mukherjee: After your ‘dented-painted’ remark, we hear you have been banned from commenting on public gatherings.
Banerjee: The last time I visted a Durga Puja pandal was during my childhood, about four years back. Women wore no make-up then, only fresh flowers. I miss that divine fragrance! All Indians are my mothers.
Arnab to Sushil Kumar Shinde: When you called Arvind Kejriwal a ‘yeda mukhyamantri’, did you realize you’d get so much flak for it?
Shinde: Yeah, duh! I just received a call from the Agra mental hospital demanding that I apologise for insulting their inmates. The next time this man stages a dharna, I’ll just ask my men to declare a curfew.
Arnab to Teesta Setalvad: Pre-election polls are predicting victory for Modi. Do you think he deserves to be made PM?
Setalvad: All this is a conspiracy to undermine the minority and make them powerless. All this began during 2002, and has been steadily worsening. Narendra Modi becoming PM is all because of Narendra Modi.
Arnab to Karan Johar: Thanks to you, the nation now knows that Salman Khan is a virgin. What other secrets can you spill, Karan?
Johar: I am furious with the art designers of Koffee with Karan. I just realized, stars walking down the staircase look like they’re emerging from my bedroom!
Arnab to Alia Bhatt: You thought India’s President was Prithviraj Chauhan. We hear you father was worried about the damage to his reputation.
Bhatt: No, my mother has never been asked if I was dropped on my head. You media guys are such meanies, ya! If anything, I was very smart even as an infant – I could match my bib’s colour with my pram.
Arnab to Rajdeep Sardesai: Clearly, the interview with RaGa has made us the ace of the trade. You want some paper napkins?
Sardesai:I am the thinking man’s newsman. What I can’t win through decibels, I do with my sexy stubble. And I have Sagarika. Boo ya.