Thursday, 22nd March, 2018

Unbreakable new year resolutions

01, Jan 2014 By Rohit Agnihotri

Over the last few years, studies have indicated that there is a sharp increase in the IQ level of the common Indian. The scientists have credited this to the facts that as a community, the IQ can never be created nor destroyed, however the generous contributions of IQs from their own quotas, the political parties and Bollywood has immensely helped to increase the IQ of common man.

Avoid impossible resolutions.

We would specifically like to thanks two great individuals here Mr Rahul Gandhi and Mr Rohit Shetty, who have not even taken the bare minimum IQ and have distributed all for the common man’s good.

AAP has cried about the foul play in the allocation of IQs to the common man and cited the examples that Chennai Express was a hit and Congress has won 8 seats in Delhi. This fact itself proves that common man is not reaping the full benefits of the sacrifices made by the two greatest men of our era.

To prove their increased IQ, the commoners have come up with the following new year’s resolution which are assumed to be unbreakable and thus will destroy the legends related to new year resolutions and will prove the mettle of Indians globally:

Pledge to gain weight: With the majority of Indians now entering their thirties, it is inevitable that they will gain weight. This resolution will actually inspire self-confidence and can be used as a valid excuse for avoiding gym and prolong stays on couch. Students staying in the hostel though are strongly advised against this resolution.

Start bitching at workplace and involve in office politics: This is a universal fact that employees who bitch at the workplace and involve themselves in politics are more successful. These should be treated as any other skill set and must be polished and perfected continuously.

Remain single: This is highly advised for engineering students, as they are more likely to stay single anyways. Taking up this resolution can act as a valid excuse to hide behind.

Candle march and Social site revolutionaries: Pledge to participate in more candle marches for rape victims and act as a revolutionary on social networking sites. With the prediction of more rapes in the New Year, this resolution is guaranteed to be a huge success.

Watch Bigg Boss and Roadies: It is most likely that you will watch these thought provoking shows then why not make a resolution and hide behind the same against the pseudo intellectuals who criticise the show and surprisingly are familiar with every update about the show.

Follow Poonam Pandey on Twitter: This will actually help in getting the link to all her videos instead of googling for the same and will prove to be a very time effective resolution.

Switch from Faking News to Times of India: With the content being the same in both the national dailies. Why opt for mediocre faking news when you can read really fake and shitty news in a newspaper with a history of shitting from last 175 years.