Wednesday, 21st March, 2018

The futuristic Mumbai model of non voting

28, Apr 2014 By macavity

While the low voter turn-out in Mumbai has critics buzzing about how Mumbaikars have let go of a golden opportunity to exercise the coolest right of all time, this reporter found a completely different ground reality in the maximum city.

Speaking to over hundreds of Mumbaikars found chilling at swimming pools and cozy pubs instead of voting booths, this reporter was shocked to find that the so-called citizen-activist groups that Mumbai is famous for, had pre-planned the whole event in tandem with the Fake-Election Commission of India, right from the very day the election dates were announced. While there is a great confusion over the actual reason why people were hard to find at the booths, some salient reasons did come out in public, thanks to an expose by a new political party, whose name I cannot remember at this point of time.

Some expressed that it was a great opportunity to force the leaders of this country to implement e-voting on an urgent basis. Some others went on to say that, this is how the common man intends to play tit-for-tat with the Netas. This time of the year being the only time Netas are visible in their constituencies, the Netas have been campaigning relentlessly, defying heat, pollution, traffic jams (while also increasing them at the same time, paradoxically). So while Netas beg for our votes, we smile and assure them, silently go back inside our houses, look up the dates on the calendar, and book vacations for the entire family. This ensures that only the leader with most number of paid supporters goes on to win, which shows the true power of democracy. Fair enough in my opinion. Some went on to say that the travel-tourism websites had even been offering excitingly low prices for the voting days, anticipating a nation-wide rush. There even has been an ongoing and raging fare-war between various travel-tourism websites, benefiting the common man eventually. To some, the prospect of enjoying a peaceful summer afternoon sipping chilled beer at a luxury resort, on a week-day which is a paid holiday, seemed irresistible.

At meetings, held at almost all housing societies of Mumbai, people representing the Fake-Election Commission of India, had been urging people to travel out of the city, to nearby spots like Alibaug, Water Kingdom etc to ease the online-traffic pressure on travel-tourism websites. The citizens had been informed that, various political fan groups will be taking care of the voting process, right from indulging in massive rigging and ensuring not a single vote goes to waste, to making sure that the NOTA gets a certain minimum number of votes , to also providing travel loans to people who find it difficult to spend cash towards a vacation, as its approaching the month-end.

While there has been no official confirmation from the commission on this regard, an official who refused to be named, informed us that, this is a highly covert operation which in future will pave the way for e-voting to be introduced. This in turn has been planned keeping in mind the massive preparation the commission has to organize for the largest elections held in the world. If people voted online, 90% of the work load would be reduced, and if anything goes wrong, one can always blame the computer engineers who wrote the code and designed the website and security.

The commission had also been under fire for being too efficient in its operations, and had been lambasted by officials from the CAG, CBI and ED for increasing the standards of public life. So, during the last general body meeting of the commission it was decided that it has to bring its efficiency down to the levels of general bureaucratic institutions of the country. Mumbai was chosen as a model to implement these plans in the first phase. Over the next few state elections, the commission aims to spread this marvelous success of the Mumbai-model to rest of the country.

After independently verifying all sources and keeping in mind my secular credentials and promising to indulge only in unbiased journalism, this reporter finds great joy in lauding whatever went on in Mumbai today and congratulates every single soul involved in the making of the success of this great Mumbai election spectacle of 2014.