In a sensational development that has caused a furore around the country, Mr. Bug Kadushman, a software tester with Outfosys who recently got demoted, has gone on an indefinite hunger strike demanding the replacement of his four year old keyboard by the company management.
Faking News sent its team to the Outfosys’s campus to take a stock of the situation.
“I give a f*** about cost control!!” he thundered angrily while lustily eyeing the half-eaten banana in the hand of our cameraman.
“All the markings on my existing keyboard have worn out. For the past 18 months, I have been typing on it using a picture of my friend’s keyboard as reference to locate various alphabets, numbers and characters. As a result I ended up creating more bugs in the software than I fixed. I was still managing somehow up until last week when I accidentally pressed ‘b’ instead of ‘s’ and wrote ‘I am not happy with your blow job’ instead of ‘I am not happy with your slow job’ to a subordinate of mine.”
“He then filed a complaint with the HR against me. I had to literally fall in on his feet to make him withdraw it. Frustrated I asked my Project Manager for a replacement of my keyboard for the 13879th time and refused to work up until I got one. Seeing no way out of the situation he brought an old keyboard skin that his wife used as a dinner mat at home, wrote alphabets, numbers and characters on it with a marker and fixed it on my keyboard. I was not happy with this solution but decided to give it a try.”
“However the dumbass mistakenly swapped the positions of ‘b’ and ‘n’, which are next to each other on the keyboard, while marking on the keyboard skin. As a result I ended up writing ‘I like naked guys’ instead of ‘I like baked guys’ in response to a mail from my juniors asking me the type of pasta I wanted for lunch. They have been avoiding me like plague since then. I have had enough. Spending money on a new keyboard or dealing with the stench of my dead body, the decision lies with Outfosys.”
Later in the day, Faking News sought the views of Tanuj Khosla, its in-house experts on such matters. “The seriousness of this matter should not be underestimated.” said Tanuj while dipping his chicken tikka in honey, “I think this guy’s fast is right up there with one done by Anna Hazare some months ago.”
“If he dies from hunger, then all software engineers in the country might go on a strike leading to a sharp decline in our already sharply declining GDP growth rate. Congress, BJP and AAP should cut across party lines and come up with a solution to this crisis that confronts the entire nation. If nobody wants to spend money on a new keyboard then a solution might be to get this guy’s fingers chopped off when he starts fainting from hunger. Naa rahega baans na bajegi baasuri. Then the whole basis of his unreasonable demand shall be finished. Problem solved.”