Faking news chief reporter Bonobos some how got hold of recorded tapes of the induction training program for new medical recruits at a multi specialty luxury hospital. The leaked tapes contained conversations of a new doctor who joined OPD (Outside Patients Department) of MKS (Maut Ke Saudagar) healthcare group and the branch head.
Here are the details of the conversation between fresh medical recruit Dr. Sewa Raam and the Branch head Dr. Yamraaj. The induction program was scheduled in the first week after Dr.Sewa Raam joined the hospital group.
Dr.Yamraaj: So Dr. Sewa your records reflect that you are MD in general medicine from BMMS (Beasts and Morons Medical School). Have you gone through the hospital premises thoroughly?
Dr. Sewa: Yes Sir I have gone through the premise thoroughly, I liked it very much, I have never seen a hospital as luxurious as this sir. We have 3 cafeterias, 2 multi specialty restaurants, 4 garment showroom, 5 footwear brands, 1 theater and 4 fast-food cafe. Even the biggest mall in my native town does not have this much sir.
Dr. Yamraaj: But I think you have missed on the Swiss watch store, jewellery store and gaming zone. Did you go through the parking?
Dr. Sewa: Yes Sir, I saw a Jaguar and a Porsche parked in the parking sir, I guess our patients are very well to do Sir!
Dr.Yamraaj: Actually that Jaguar belongs to me, It can belong to you as well if you meet the annual targets.
Dr Sewa: Sorry Sir! Targets? I joined as an intern Doctor for OPD wing, targets as in the number of patients we treat?
Dr. Yamraaj: Sewa you are still a new recruit, you will find out that soon. Let’s start from the beginning. 1st part of the induction training is about communicating with the patients i.e., What would you say to a patient as soon as he enters your cabin the in the OPD department?
Dr. Sewa: I ll ask the patients as what is he suffering from.
Dr. Yamraaj: Absolutely not! You would first ask whether he has a medi-claim policy or not. Is that clear?
Dr .Sewa: As you say sir!
Dr .Yamraaj: Then you have to tell them to go through various tests not according not according to the to the ailment, but according to the rate charts of the testing facilities we have, just make sure that out of 87 kinds of tests we offer patient has to undergo minimum 50 of them.
Dr .Sewa: Sir but in most of the cases that would not be necessary. We can do the diagnostic based on symptoms as well Sir.
Dr. Yamraaj: You don’t know the competition in the market dear.Then comes the 2nd part of induction program which is a psychiatric based program on “1001 ways to put fear in people mind using medical terms”.
Dr.Sewa: Sure sir.
Dr. Yamraaj: After the psychiatric based training 3rd would be on finances wherein you will know the percentage shared by everybody right from various test reports, X-Rays, Ultrasound, MRI, surgeries, and may be organ transplants. You need to thoroughly understand out dealings and percentage sharing with the medical insurance providers.
Dr.Sewa: I got it sir. Wouldn’t there be any technical or practical training based on medicine subjects sir?
Dr. Yamraaj: In the 4th stage of training you will learn to relate a relatively new aspects of medicine, for e.g., even an open heart surgery may be required for acidity, how to perform cesarean 2 hours after the baby has been delivered, MRI and joint replacements are also recommended in normal sprains. Actually we did quite a few innovations on that. Our rival hospital Chor-tis health care is also thinking of applying the same.
Dr. Sewa: That’s quite an innovative research Sir. What would be the 5th part of training Sir?
Dr. Yamraaj: The most important part of revenue generation dear. You would learn in the last part as how to Operate on the dead bodies. Sometimes we perform the operation even after 7 days even if the patients have died. Last month I performed 1089 such operations after death. None of my dead patients have left the hospital without billing of minimum 5 lakh rupees. The hospital management gave me a Jaguar for meeting the targets. Actually we are doing great service to the patients relatives by hiding the news of death for days.
Dr. Sewa: And Sir, what would be the last part.
Dr.Yamraaj: Last and the 6th part of induction training would be case studies. At times it happens that we do not have a treatment for certain diseases in that case we treat patients for whatever treatment we have. Few months back only government hospitals had vaccines and treatment for swine flu but still we don’t declare it to the patient immediately but still we kept the patients till his condition worsened and our revenue targets met.
Dr Sewa now recite the new updated pledge now.
Dr.Sewa recites: I solemnly pledge to dedicate my life to service of humanity hospital. Even not under threat, I will not use my medical knowledge contrary to the laws of Humanity. I will maintain the utmost respect for human life money throughout. I will not definitely permit considerations of religion, nationality, race, party politics, or social standing to intervene between my duty and patient. The health of my patient will be my first least consideration,meeting the financial targets will foremost of my priority.
Dr Yamraaj: So dear after completing the training you will get the designation of Yamdoot, then after few promotions the designation will be Sr.Yamdoot, then Mrityudaata and finally when you become the branch head it will be Yamraaj.