Tuesday, 24th April, 2018

Scientists create the perfect President!

18, Jun 2012 By dumb doc

Amidst all the political wrangling about the next President of India, scientists here at the Rajiv Gandhi Institute of Mechanical Sciences, New Delhi have come up with the perfect solution. They have created the world’s first President in their laboratory.

Yes, meet the PRESIDENT!

Speaking to us on the occasion Dr. Honhar Jugadi, the working head of the PRESIDENT project explained the growing need to create an all-weather president. “Somewhere down the line we felt the need to create a President who could transcend the regional and party lines, someone who could be the answer to all our problems. That is how we came up with the idea of the PRESIDENT”, he said.

Elaborating further he told us that much of the technology has been sourced from Italy, but the brain is totally Indian in make. Though its entire body is metallic the brain is organic in origin, created from human tissue in our own lab with some input from the USA. The tissue was genetically engineered from DNA samples sourced from eminent personalities from all over India. Due care was taken to ensure that the end product, that is the brain, had its final composition in accordance with the political sentiment, that is, 15% from the SC population 8% from the ST 27% from the OBC 15% from the Muslims, Christians and Sikhs 10% from the NRIs and the PIO and armed forces 20% from the terrorism victims, refugees and wards of freedom fighters 4.9% from the physically challenged and the senior citizens.

The PRESIDENT features a built-in rubber stamp for all the bills that it would receive. The knee joint was specifically engineered from an alloy of Titanium so as to ensure that it doesn’t go week in its knees towards the end of its term. It comes fully loaded with modern automated weapons a la Robocop which can provide a virtual Z-plus security to the security commandos assigned to protect it. A lot of work went into the designing of its control panel which includes 3 buttons on the outside painted red, saffron and green on left, right and the centre respectively which control its actions and decisions. The respective political parties can assume its control by the use of those three buttons. Its vocal cords were removed on special request from the ruling party’s chairperson.

The PRESIDENT drew a mixed response from various political and apolitical quarters. Mr. Kapil Sibal has even begun working upon the PRESIDENT’s programming as he believes that it can come up with a “net-gain theory” an improved version of his “zero-loss” theory. Ms. Mamata Banerjee smells a CPI conspiracy while Mr. Digvijay Singh has claimed that the PRESIDENT’s hand is that of the RSS.

All the criticism notwithstanding, Mr. Jugadi has hailed the PRESIDENT to be the next big thing in the Indian political arena. Praising the PRESIDENT he said, “it can save millions in taxpayers’ money as it doesn’t have a ‘family’ which needs exotic foreign vacations every week, it does not ‘eat’ so no question of black money arises and it can work all through the day without tiring!”

As the veil over the much hyped PRESIDENT is lifted, some feminist groups have staked a claim over the gender of the PRESIDENT. “Only a woman can go through the pain of being dumped after 5 years and find herself being replaced by another one, so the PRESIDENT has to be a woman only”, they claimed.