Sunday, 17th December, 2017

PM inaugurates new AIIMS facility to cure politicians suffering from foot-in-mouth syndrome

04, Jul 2014 By planetdeepak

New Delhi:  Prime Minister today inaugurated a ‘Foot-in-Mouth Treatment Center’ at AIIMS to cure the foot-in-mouth syndrome from which many of our politicians suffer.

Unconfirmed sources told this reporter that politicians of the likes of Tapas Pal, Dr. Harsh Vardhan, Babulal Gaur, Giriraj Singh, Ajit Pawar and Sheila Dixit will be treated at the facility.

Tapas_Pal
Tapas Pal expressing his happiness after hearing the news.

In his inaugural speech the PM dedicated this facility to the nation and appealed all politicians to make full use of it. Pledging his full support, he appealed the doctors to work hard to achieve 0% foot-in-mouth cases in the country.

Health Minister Dr. Harsh Vardhan and Dr. Vaidyanathan, chief researcher at AIIMS and a foot-in-mouth specialist, were present at the event.

During his speech Mr. Modi made a startling revelation that the recent controversial statements given by Dr. Harsh Vardhan on condoms and sex education were part of the experiments conducted by the AIIMS research team to find a cure for this syndrome. He congratulated the Union Health Minister for his volunteering efforts and instructed his colleagues to learn from Dr. Harsh Vardhan to lead by example.

Boosted by the Prime Minister’s praise Dr. Harsh Vardhan volunteered on the spot to be the first patient of the new treatment centre. The minister believes that by doing so he will increase the confidence of our politicians in our own medical facilities.

Dr. Vaidyanathan gave a 30 minutes presentation on the disease, which this reporter tried to decipher and present in a more lucid manner for our Faking News readers.

According to Dr. Vaidyanathan, whenever a politician makes a controversial statement, the ‘factistorone’ count in his/her body increases. This results in growth of a foot in the mouth. We call this the ‘FIMS syndrome’. The size of the foot increases daily as long as the controversy is alive in public. The foot starts to disappear slowly in reverse manner of the growth once the controversy subsides and the ‘factistorone’ count in the body becomes normal.

This is a highly contagious disease and can affect several politicians at once. According to the latest WHO report, most cases of FIMS are observed during election periods and when the parliament sessions are in progress. Without naming, Dr. Vaidyanathan said that he has seen cases of foot growth as long as 4 to 5 feet in his career.

Nature provides everyone with a defense mechanism, and FIMS can be seen as one such for politicians. The growth of the foot avoids politicians from making any further statements that may aggravate the controversy.

Earlier during the ‘doordarshan and print’ era, the controversies used to subside quickly and the politicians could resume normal work in a week or two. Till then they hided at some secluded place or took vacations abroad. However with the advent of 24×7 news channels and social media the controversies last much longer giving politicians a great ‘pain-in-the-mouth’.

It was noticed during a study that news anchors like Arnab Goswami, many a times to target politicians, intentionally drag controversies for months together. The researchers have data that proves that every SMS send to News Hour increases the foot size by at least a centimeter.

Earlier, due to lack of proper treatment facilities the politicians were taken for a ride by news channels and the social media. Politicians with there ever increasing foot size had no choice but to work on a compromise formula. Dr. Vaidyanathan believes that the new facility at AIIMS will offer much respite to the politicians.

Instead of waiting for months to recover naturally, the researchers at AIIMS have succeeded in bringing down the recovery time by 80%. Dr. Vaidyanathan presented some astonishing results to support his claim.

If the politician apologies saying he was misquoted by the media the foot size reduces by 10%. If the apology is accepted by the party leader there is another reduction by 15%. If the party leader himself/herself comes in public to defend the politician there is a whopping 50% reduction in the foot size. If bloggers, News Hour debaters and social media favors the politician there is an additional reduction of 5%. However 20% recovery is still left, for which the politicians has to wait for the controversy to subside. Dr. Vaidyanathan assured that his researchers are working round the clock to bring down the 20% recovery time.

Dr. Vaidyanathan informed that the biggest challenge his research team faces is to find cure for Mulayam Singh Yadav. Unlike other politicians who have a single foot growth in their mouth, Mulayam Singh faces a Multiple-Foot-In-Mouth-Syndrome [MFIMS]. He has this ability to create more than one controversy at a time, which results in multiple foot growths in his mouth. According to our medical reports Mulayam Singh also has the highest percentage of ‘factistorone’ amongst all present day politicians.

Treating such high degree of MFIM syndrome is beyond AIIMS facility and Dr Vaidyanathan’s personal capacity. The doctor therefore suggested referring Mulayam Singh to his US colleague (name concealed) who has successfully treated the 2008 foot-in-mouth award winner George W Bush in the past.