Mumbai: Noted Dance show judge Chetan Bhagat dissected the entire trolling species in his recent opinion column. This is really surprising given the fact that he has been surviving also as a writer, who had wrote novels by successfully reverse engineering Bollywood movies such as 3 Idiots, 2 States, and so on.
In that opinion piece titled ‘Anatomy of an internet troll’, Bhagat starts by explaining how the cyber trolling species called Bhakts came into origins. But the author has forgotten that it was Rajiv Gandhi who brought computers using FirstRun Courier service to India. It was Manmohan Singh who opened the gates of globalization to India, but only after he opened the gates of 10 Janpath Road, obviously. So, if the author has to blame anyone for the origin of IITs (Indian Internet Trolls), it must not be Modi or RSS, but definitely Congress.
Chetan follows with conspiracy theories of Hindu Kings espoused by Bhakts. But, the author forgets that there were only great Mughal kings in India and Hindu kings themselves were a conspiracy. Most of the victorious Hindu kings were just false history created by saffron outfits. Only a defeated Hindu king can exist in Indian history. Chetan tries to be smart by putting some complex words like anthropology, which alone be known, rather can never even escape the lips of Bhakts, who will read it as Andheri Pav Bhaji. He should have used some simple words, like how he uses them in his novels.
Author Bhagat then starts dissecting the Bhakts’ brain. He finds out that they are FACIM – Frustrated and Complex-ridden Indian Males. This is absolutely true, even in his case. Let us take a look at his brief past. He has called himself ugly Indian male in the past, he was frustrated when his name was not properly presented in the movie 3 Idiots and he himself had suffered from complex in the past. That is why, I say that, Chetan Bhagat is right in calling Bhakts as FACIM. This is not something new to Chetan. He had already sued himself for plagiarising his own life in his own novel ‘2 States’.
Also, while dissecting, Bhagat passes a remark that Hindi-speaking Hindus are the poorest. How can he say, that, upper class Hindu male (FACIM) are poor, when even IMF chief was questioned that only FACIM guys grow in BJP’s rule. Is Bhagat trying to fool his readers by telling that Sachar committee report is false?
The author of ‘5 point someone’ also reveals that Congress ruled 60 years and BJP didn’t because all the educated voters always voted for Congress and not for BJP. Let us not forget that BJP was in existence from 1947 and Congress came into existence only in 1980s.
Towards the end of article, he takes a U-Turn and says that the Bhakts he was talking about, are not Modi Bhakts. Does he mean to say that they are just Bhakts of Chetan Bhagat?
I would have applauded Chetanji, if he had listed out points to help Bhakts turn into Liberals and Intellectuals, but instead he tells Bhakts to learn English and woo girls. But, I have some few points for Bhakts to go the Liberal way:
- Woo women the Elitist way, learn English but not manners. Remember that the demi-god of liberals, Tejpal and Pachauri also woo-ed women in an Elite manner. If you could get what I mean.
- When involved in a abusive twitter fight with a woman Right Winger, always remember that a woman Right Winger can only be a Right Winger and not a woman.
- Read Urban Dictionary and learn some English expletives, use it then and there. Remember Rajdeep & MSG. An English ‘f*ck’ is more cooler and sounds less abusive than a Hindi ‘ch*tiye’.
- Target their gods – Marx, Mao, Nehru. They will turn abusive. Retweet those abuses and cry victim.
- Last but not least, drag Modi wherever you want. It can be a Lalit Modi or even your neighbor Ramesh Modi, but always use the surname. You could get an increase in your follower counts from commie-liberals, who will join in any abusive fight against Bhakts.
Instead of giving such easy take-away points, Chetan Bhagat sheepishly tells ways to ‘not be a Bhakt’ – by brushing teeth regularly.