Sunday, 24th September, 2017

‘Offence Communication’ to be taught in Indian universities

08, Sep 2017 By Ankit Kumar Singh

Here is some good news for people with a penchant for taking offence at anything and everything under the Sun. The University Grants Commission (UGC) of India has announced to introduce a course in ‘Offence Communication’ at both post graduation and doctorate levels in all the major Indian central universities come the next academic session.

“In the last 10 years, Indians seem to have found their niche in getting offended. This has created a huge talent pool of amateurs who we have decided to call ‘offence practitioners’. It’s an opportune time to train them professionally. They can go on to spread the art of taking offence with élan. This will help India secure the first place on the World Offence Index of the United Nations,” said the UGC chairman Virander Singh Chauhan during a press conference in Delhi.

Elaborating on the rules of admission to these courses, the UGC top honcho said that those individuals who take offence at least ten times a day can apply for PG. For Ph.D., a candidate needs to have the ability to take offence once every nanosecond. The candidates will have to submit print outs of their Facebook and Twitter timelines of the past 12 months. This will help the admission committee check whether their claims for taking offence are genuine or not. Those with a proven track record of lynching and beating beef eaters would be given a handsome amount of scholarship, Mr Singh added.

Various political and religious bodies from the country have welcomed the UGC’s decision. “So far, we have had only part time offence practitioners at our disposal. Now with the introduction of this new subject in universities, we will have an army of professionally trained practitioners of this art to serve our causes,” said the spokesperson of a right-wing organization on the condition of anonymity.

Meanwhile, AAP (Aam Aadmi Party) supremo Arvind Kejriwal has taken a strong offence at these developments. “Hum aam admi hain, hum chhote log hain (we are common men, we are small people). We can’t afford to hire professionals to take offence. This is a conspiracy on the part of capitalist parties like the BJP and Congress. They are trying to deny us the service of people who want to take offence. Sab mile hue hain ji (everyone is plotting against us),” the broom-wielding Chief Minister of New Delhi said.