Thursday, 22nd March, 2018

Nation grows after Sachin’s retirement

27, Dec 2013 By prakat

Reports are coming in from various fronts of the Indian Army that soon after Sachin Tendulkar’s farewell speech was telecast live on television, a freshly revved up army of soldiers stationed at the outposts extended their lines, some claiming and holding positions as much as fifty miles into neighboring territory.

As Pakistan awoke on the morning of the 17th, she was a few thousand square kilometers leaner. Pakistani POWs were handed over at the hastily erected new border posts of the Pakistani Armed Forces. Many POWs were heard to be begging to be allowed to stay in India and had to be dragged by force to their command posts. Lahore is now literally a stone’s throw away from the border and is expected to give rise to a new past-time in the border towns.

China has lost access to much of the Brahmaputra and our border outposts in the North and North-East now encompass villages that speak Mandarin. The Chinese are calling for a special meeting of the General Assembly in the U.N. to cover up the embarrassment of having ceded a thick slice of sovereign land to their southern neighbour.

Soldiers of the Indian Army have credited Sachin’s heartwarming farewell speech for filling their hearts and spirits with national pride and galvanizing them into expressing their feelings in a way that would leave a mark on the world. This feeling quickly transformed itself into gung-ho Indian expansionism – a first in the history of the country – on the macro-level as the soldiers engaged in bitter but eventually one-sided battle with their counterparts across the border. Only one soldier was wounded during the impromptu cross-services operation. Lance Corporal Vikram Deora slipped on some spilt dal in the mess in North Point and suffered a sprained ankle.

While the increase in landmass looks negligible when comparing before and after pictures of the map, the actual difference in area comes to 312,679 square kilometers that is now under Indian claim. Meanwhile, the High Command of the Indian Army in New Delhi, has applied for a large chunk of Antarctica to be assigned to India for its geologists and Oil companies.

American news channels covered the rapid capture of enemy territory live with their night-vision feed from a GPS satellite as it was happening. While most Indians, Pakistanis and Chinese were sleeping, the entire world was aware of the new developments before the civilian populations in the three countries woke up to the news.

Xing Ho, our freshly appointed New North Province correspondent, reports that the Chinese villages have turned their satellite dishes to face Indian satellite transmissions and are having English and Hindi textbooks brought in from Dharamsala by trucks for their primary schools.

Cities and towns all over India (Indiaaa!! India!) witnessed widespread celebrations and much display of national pride on the streets. There was a spontaneous outpouring of joy among the public and random acts of bravery were reported to our bureaus around the country. People are willing to stand in queues and are forming orderly lines in supermarket checkouts.

The sound of fireworks started as soon as people started turning their televisions on to watch the morning news and lasted long into the afternoon. It is expected that New Year celebrations for the most part will be quiet this year.

We hear fans all over are demanding another speech from Him congratulating the Armed Forces.