Thursday, 26th April, 2018

Much to rejoice - freebies everywhere

28, Aug 2013 By somegirl

Amidst tears and fears from the industrialists and minority tax-payers, Food Security Bill has found favor mostly with the non-earning, non-tax paying class. The government has now decided to reward the working class also by doling out freebies everywhere.

Pilot phase will include:

  1. Free air tickets to be given to all on a highest-political-connection-first FCFS basis for the much-profitable Air India.
  2. Hospitals will be instructed to perform operations on at least 67% of the patients they get. This will ensure that no one is deprived of the free medical treatment.
  3. In addition to free food, free laptop scheme will be extended to everyone. A panel will be set up to decide if the distributed laptops need to be in a working condition.
  4. Promotions in government jobs will be on a need basis, all performance and merit criteria will be scrapped.
  5. All educational institutions (for those who still want to study for the fun of it despite free everything) will mandate consuming pizzas and sodas for children so they can take full advantage of free medical care. If time permits exams will be held and will ration out marks to reward weak students.
  6. IPL trophy will be rotated among all teams, starting with the least capable so they feel assured that the government loves them.

Yet another panel will be setup to understand what went right with caste-based reservations to implement its best practices in Food Security Bill also. The general consensus among all parties is to discard the report after enough money and resources have been spent on it.

The fantastic catch here is that unlike even with most regressive regimes, no one will ever need to work for anything. Chidu is working with clown prince and a small farmer to compile a comprehensive list of International agencies who have bags-full of cash lying around to be given as an aid to a huge nation with close to a billion officially designated beggars.

As a goodwill gesture, India will share the said list with brotherly nations like Pakistan, who, by-the-way, is on its way to achieving 100% bankruptcy.

Further plan is to leverage the successful Aadhar card and rename it Begaar card.

UPA is mulling a new tagline for 2014 elections “67 years of independence – 67% beggars”