The Parliament was adjourned within twenty minutes of the commencement of the morning session today. It is being said that MPs raised slogans demanding that ‘Chinese onions’ be brought into the country, as a quick-fix measure against the vegetable’s escalating prices.
“Where is China when you need it? Chinese goods and technology have invaded every single market – from toys to electronics. They’re omnipresent in the bazaars. But the onions department is where we need China the most – we don’t mind competition here,” said an MP from Arunachal Pradesh.
MPs argued about how the quality of onions imported from China would be hugely different. “But how does that matter? Onions are a perishable commodity – it’s not like we want a one-year warranty on them!” another argued. To this, a third said, “But do we want to take a chance? For all we know, they might poison the onions!”
It appears that Sushma Swaraj and Sonia Gandhi also had a massive verbal spat on the matter. It went something like this:
“It is against Hindu dharma to take food from a hostile country.”
“India is secular, not a ‘Hindu’ nation. And we have no qualms with begging and receiving, as long as it’s done discreetly… err, I mean, with dignity.”
“I am telling you, we will not eat onions coming from that country! They’re always trying to go to war against us – have you no self-respect?!”
“So fine, don’t have them. We will have them distributed among the minorities for free.”
In the middle of all this, a BSP MP is believed to have suggested creating a life-sized onion statue in New Delhi. His logic was that next to Mayawati, the onion is the most loved thing in the country, so it deserves statue status. In response, another MP from Uttar Pradesh is believed to have blurted, “But please keep the statue hollow from within, so that it can be used to store black money, err… onions. And when the going gets tough, entire human beings can be hidden in them.”
The issue of Chinese onions threatened to take on a communal hue, when MPs from Gujarat and Maharashtra demanded to know the religion of the farmers involved in onion production in China. To this, MPs from Kerala and West Bengal retorted that it did not matter, since China is a nation blessed by Communism and all citizens are equal.
A Trinamool-backed MP jumped into the fray, and said that all Communists are Mao-ists, and Indians should not eat what Mao-ists produce. Speaker Meira Kumar interjected with, “Kripya baith jaiye. If you do not stop taking the discussion astray, I will invite college students to take a tour of Parliament and watch the proceedings.” At this, the Trinamool supporter walked out of Parliament in a huff.