Saturday, 24th February, 2018

Missing NRI returns home in London, India celebrates

24, Nov 2012 By Shiva Kumar Dhivakar

November 24, 2012: A 26-year old Indian, who went missing in London for two consecutive nights resulting in widespread panic back home in India, returned to his residence in the wee hours of the morning today. The news, disseminated by his Chinese neighbours, spread like wildfire and triggered a wave of frenzied celebrations across India. Overjoyed mobs burst firecrackers and paraded the streets crooning ‘All izz well’ song and distributing sweets to passers-by.

The media soon jumped on the bandwagon as several news-channels abruptly halted their bulletins on a new multi-crore scam that was just unearthed and instead began flashing images of Pushpak Pandey, who prefers being called Puppy, from his Facebook profile while repeating for the hundredth time the timeline of events that happened between his disappearance and reemergence.

London Bridge

A posse of reporters working for a few Indian newspapers formed a beeline outside Puppy’s residence in Southall, London and the man in focus stepped out with a puzzled expression, oblivious to the furore around him. His eyes were red, cheeks puffed-up, hair tousled and clothes badly wrinkled as though he had been roughed up. The journalists immediately pounced on him, clicking photographs and posing a flurry of questions sending the jaded-looking man sprinting back into his house. Puppy’s appearance raised doubts that he might have been tortured and assaulted by racially-aggravated locals while he was missing.

The hearsay, as it propagated across shores eventually developed into a true version, and was blown out of proportion by the news-channels thereby causing a flutter in the Parliament and prompting the Foreign-Affairs Minister Salman Khurshid to call on his British counterpart to demand justice for the victim.

Meanwhile Puppy emerged out of his house once again after an hour, this time surrounded by a few bouncers who circled him forming a human-chain.

‘Who are you, people? Why are you harassing me like this?’ Puppy retorted with a growl on being asked about where he had been and whether somebody had abducted and assaulted him.

‘What nonsense are you talking? Who told you I have been abducted?’ he yelled and sneezed twice before resuming. ‘I went to a night-club on Thursday night with a couple of friends and got sloshed. You know, I gulped down five pints of beer followed by two Tequila shots and binged on chicken wings. And then a pretty young brunette requested me to buy her a drink. While giving her company, I swigged down three more pints of Strong Bow after which she ushered me to a strip-club. While enjoying a lap-dance, I suddenly felt a bit uneasy as though something was moving at the bottom of my stomach.’

‘Oh my God! What happened next? What happened next?’ screamed an excited journalist bringing his mike so close to Puppy’s mouth that the speaker made a scowl and cringed, while the others waited impatiently with bated breath for the next sentence.

‘I…I excused myself and rushed towards the loo,’ continued Puppy.

‘And what did you do inside the loo?’ shouted a sniggering female reporter and she hastily jotted down something on a tiny notepad.

Puppy let out an irate groan and replied, ‘Oh come on, you dirty minds. I had an upset stomach. The chicken wings didn’t blend well with the alcohol. So I kneeled down and puked.’

A couple of exasperated oohs and aahs echoed among the journalists as Puppy went on with his story, ‘A few seconds later, my head swirled as if it was put into a mixer and I gradually passed out.’

‘So you spent the whole night in the loo?’ yelled someone to which Puppy smiled sheepishly.

‘I was accidentally locked inside and the club was shut. The next morning, I had a terrible hangover. For lunch, I consumed a few leftovers from the kitchen, went back into the washroom and slept again until dusk. Later in the evening after the club opened, I tried to sneak out of the dimly-lit place through the carousing crowd when I suddenly bumped into someone. Guess who? The same brunette. She encouraged me to drink and I couldn’t say no to her. So I was forced to spend the rest of the night in the club again.’

‘You spent the night with her?’ asked the correspondent standing near Puppy making a pout of displeasure.

‘No, I went back to the loo,’ Puppy replied proudly as if he owned that tiny room in the club. ‘The leftovers I ate in morning damaged my stomach yet again.’

Upon hearing these news reports, Bollywood director Ram Gopal Varma called Puppy’s story as sensational and declared that he would soon be making a film on it. Tentatively titled ‘Ram Gopal Varma ka Pyaas’, the director revealed that the plot explores two days of an alcoholic’s life in a strip-club. He also confirmed that Sunny Leone had given her consent to play the brunette stripper in the film and within seconds of making this announcement, the film’s title began trending at No. 1 on Google and Twitter.

A senior government official from Ministry Of External Affairs on condition of anonymity said, ‘We gave special importance to this case and requested the UK government to launch a massive manhunt for Puppy. Thankfully he came back home before the police could track him down. We will anyhow ask them to take action against that club for their sheer negligence in not inspecting the restrooms before taking the shutters down.’

When reminded that several hundreds of men, women and children are missing in our own country every day and the government and media are giving more prominence to the cases of those living abroad than our own folks, the official smiled sarcastically and replied, ‘Well, it’s an open secret we’ve always had fascination for NRIs although they have deserted us long back. We look at them as our role-models and treat them a notch above our own people. We are keen to forge matrimonial alliances with them and woo them to invest in our businesses. The government is simply reflecting the thoughts of its people. After all, pounds and dollars glitter more than rupees, right?’

Meanwhile, in a small nondescript village in Uttar Pradesh, search is still on for two little girls who went missing a fortnight ago. This has raised the count of missing children to 20 over the last two months. Neither the Centre nor the State has issued any statement regarding this matter.

Note: This article is completely fake, so are the characters and incidents mentioned in it.