In the most important cameo appearance of the year, Lord Shiva is believed to have graced Baba Ramdev’s dream last night. The godman told a gathering of reporters today that the Lord of the Lords, Shiva Shankara himself, appeared in his dream last night with a curious wish – that devotees not use milk as an appeasement on Mahashivratri.
“The Lord chose me because I am one of his VVIP bhakts,” Ramdev told the gathering. “He gave me special darshan. When he appeared in my dream, my room began to smell of patchouli, ylang ylang and organic lavender. Incense sticks lit themselves miraculously, and a pious sitar began to play in the background.”
“The Lord told me that he is disappointed with the way his followers pour litres of milk on shivalingas across the country – none of it actually reaches the Lord, who resides on Kailash Parbat.”
The godman claimed that Lord Shiva presented him with a detailed financial statement, which Ramdev manifested from his dream using special powers. “I use Revital,” he grinned, revealing the secret of his energy to our reporter. “It helps Salman make money without doing anything. It helps me bring intangible things to life the same way.”
Apparently this statement, a copy of which Baba Ramdev faxed to our office, has been created by the Lord himself. The sheet describes the total quantity of milk that has been wasted spent on worshipping the Lord since the beginning of time. According to Lord Shiva, if the same quantity of milk were fed to the destitute on a piecemeal basis, it would generate goodwill the size of China and the might of Obama.
The document mentions the Lord’s changing preferences too. “You need to understand – Gods also evolve over time. During satyuga, I loved having milk, because milk was ‘in’ then. Now, my tastes have changed – I prefer iced mocha frappe. Since I’m Indian, I politely take what you send my way, but come on – give me a break!”
The divine statement also points out that Kamdhenu, the heavenly cow, is annoyed that the milk generated by her ilk is being used for such superficial reasons. “Kamdhenu feels that milk could be put to better use. If nothing else, it could be exported to our neighbours. The friendship will ensure no more battles occur in the Himalayas and the Lord can meditate in peace,” explained Baba Ramdev.