Tuesday, 19th December, 2017

Khap Panchayats go global, listed on BSE and NASDAQ, IPO expected soon

06, Apr 2014 By psych0bar0n

Dallupura, Sonepat – In a sensational move which caught world economists by surprise, India’s leading honour restoration company, the Khap Panchayats Honour Services Pvt Ltd (KPHS) issued a press release that it had been listed on the Bombay Stock Exchange (BSE) and NASDAQ.

KhapPanchayat
Offering solutions.

In a crowded press conference attended by over 200 mediamen and buffaloes, KPHS CEO Satbeer Gujjar announced that they would roll out an IPO within 2 weeks. KPHS also announced a major acquisition, the Afghanistan based startup, Tehrik-e-Hajamat, for a sum of 50,000 cows and 20 tonnes of cowdung in stock.

The VHP and Bajrang Dal are said to have around 60% shares in KPHS. Post merger, the new entity would be known as KHAP Inc. KHAP Inc now owns 75% of the global honour restoration business,almost twice more than its nearest competitor, the Saudi based Un Laden group. With years of experience in browbeating politicians and police alike, KHAP Inc has an expertise unparalleled in the uncivilized world.

The announcement has sent cheers across the global economy with massive jumps seen in the stock exchanges of liberal countries like Pakistan, Sudan, Yemen and Libya where honor restoration is big business. KHAP Inc CTO, Mullah Bimar, said that the new entity would have a brand new slogan – “we value your honour..more than your life”.

KHAP Inc also announced that it would be branching out into other domains, and apart from pesky humans who kept falling in love, they would also handle honour restoration of any goat, buffalo or camel which had dared to have indulged in adultery with an animal outside its breed.

“Ever since my Murrah buffalo had eloped with my neighbor’s lower caste Jaffarabadi she-buffalo, I have been unable to face anyone in the village. I am hopeful that KHAP Inc will restore mine and my buffalo herd’s honour” lamented a farmer from Pakistan who did not want to be named. Another villager from Rohtak, Haryana said “I am a Brahmin, yet my shameless goat Daksh eloped and had a registered marriage with a goat belonging to my Muslim neighbour Gotubuddin Aibak…he didn’t even think about his Goatra once. I want vengeance.”

Speaking about long term goals, CEO Satbeer Gujjar said ” In 10 years from now, we wan’t to scale up to a position such that we can restore the honour of not only mammals, reptiles but also bacteria, fish and bird. No bacteria family shall ever bow it’s head because of a shameless daughter”. Mr Gujjar also suggested that they might consider outsourcing the vengeance providing business to smaller countries with abundant honour restoration talent like Somalia, Iran, Afghanistan and Pakistan. He also welcomed the fact that even US President Obama had appreciated the company though he was upset at the way Obama kept referring to his company as KRAP Inc.

Mimes View – It is but poetic justice that after centuries of indulging in caste based discrimination, we finally have found a way to tap this talent and serve the world. We wait for the day when Khap panchayats of India will be arm-in-arm with Khap Panchayats of Luxembourg. ‘Khapa samasta Sukhino bhavantu’.