Saturday, 24th February, 2018

IT drone worker posts his farewell speech

04, Dec 2013 By sid10000

Sachin CodeKarKar entered his cubicle amidst standing ovation. People were standing all around, clapping, shoveling & groping away for the ½ kg cake for a team of 20 stuffed into a cubicle of the size of a double bed.

It didn’t matter to him, he was 199 not out. It didn’t matter if people were not clapping for him but for the lady who was celebrating her 5th 25th b’day. It didn’t matter if they did not notice him keeping his war-battered laptop bag onto his moth eaten termite infested desk.

He was 199 not out, his 199 conf calls were done, he was due to complete his 200th today at 22:00 IST (some say its ungodly hours for an Indian IT drone worker, but we disagree, it’s the time 55% of us eat our lunch at… we are adaptable, we are awesome, YES WE CANE… NaMo style more than OBAMA’s way of YES WE CAN…)

200 is a great number, if the Spartan army was leaner by 50% (due to strike / disease / labor trouble) then the movie based on their power scuffle with Xerses and his Persian army would have been named 200 instead of 300. Let’s not digress, we have a farewell to attend. If there were only 200 in the Spartan army the movie 300 would have made no sense at all. (Back to topic, Sholly)

Sachin CodeKarKar had moisture in his eyes, he was pretty sure that the UV filter on his flickering LCD monitor was a fake Chinese copy. His elation knew no bounds when the call was confirmed. He was the chairperson, the Alpha-Presentor who had time in his hands, he could make time stop (by rescheduling the call) and change lives (by rescheduling to a unhappier time like 23:30 or 00:00). He instantly felt like god, he wished he bought a Bajaj Avenger instead of a HH Passion because his bike could have made him feel like GOD as well (bad joke, sholly and lets not digress).

He had his agenda in hand, his list of items to discuss, people to thank, sorries to be conveyed and action points to be closed. His specs needed adjustment but he let them be, as it was his day to rejoice his day to bid adieu as a rockstar, his 200th conf call on his LWD. He was the MAN.

The call started right on time at 22:10 [5 mins dialing in from his age old phone with a dual tone{more like 1.5 tone as age ate away it’s tone (pun)} and 5 mins of gathering the lost team mates] (notice how I used the parenthesis perfectly here, I am awesome, sholly for the narcissistic digression). His voice trembled and crackled (it was the phone that coughed may be).

He began his monologue as silence on the call meant only one thing, everyone was waiting with bated breath for him to speak and bid a final adieu amidst teary eyes and standing ovations.

“All my friends. Settle down let me talk, I will get more and more emotional ever minute this call stretches. Also, for the first time in my life I am carrying an agenda, to remember all the action points in case I forget something. I hope you (miss)understand. It’s getting a little bit difficult to talk (mostly because I am in office drunk for the 1st time) but I will manage.

The most important person in my life, and I have missed him a lot since 1999 when he passed away, my last PM. Without his guidance, I am sure I would have made a VP by now. He gave me no freedom at the ripe old age of 25 like my mom who still stuffs aloo-paratha in my tiffin scared the canteen food is laced with cyanide, and told me that [I should never] chase my dreams, but make sure I do find short cuts. The path might be peppered with hard-workers, but don’t give up, keep finding shortcuts and moving on, and I have simply followed his instructions.

My wife, I don’t know how she dealt with such a naughty IT worker like me. I was not easy to manage. She must be extremely patient. For a wife, the most important thing is that her slave remains safe and healthy and fit to buy groceries on weekend and buy her stuff on festivals. That was what she was most bothered and worried about. She took care that I worked each day of my life for the last 10 odd years. She just prayed and prayed and I think her prayers and beatings have given me the strength to go out and code, so a big thank you to my wife for all the sacrifices she demanded, only because of her I have a happy relationship with my GF now. She never hesitated to sacrifice me and my happiness for her needs, a great leader like my current manager.. I think they both should meet.

Various things my official family agreed upon, my faulty technique, and so many technical things which I didn’t agree with my team will come back and haunt you guys in later phases. You guys will soon discover a chunk of code was replaced by the hit song ‘Tu Tu Tu, Tu Tu Tara, todo na dil humara”. We have had arguments and disagreements, but when I look back at all these things in my life, I puke my wits out and laugh on your future.

The most beautiful thing happened to me in 2000 when I met my new manager, Funjali. Those were special years and it has continued and will always continue that way. I know Funjali, being a political spin-doctor; there was a wonderful career in front of her. When she decided to give me a rating of “needs improvement” after a year of hard work Funjali took the initiative to step back and kick my behind with rigor and say that ‘you continue with your work and I will take the ratings’.

Without that motivation to quit, I don’t think I would have been able to quit today. Thanks a lot for bringing all the fuss and frustrations in my life, and all sorts of rubbish that I grown as a professional to expect.

In the last 10 years that I have worked in IT I have made ‘-3’ new friends (-ve coz I lost 3), and before that I used to have friends from my childhood. They have all made a terrific contribution to their own lives and have moved on leaving me sitting here having powdery coffee [ohh wait, is that a jeera, is that a rai {cumin & not Aish}, ohh yes it’s a silverfish trying to save itself from the flood of hot water in the coffee powder it calls home {must feel like movie like 2012 to the innocent insect}] (perfect parenthesis again, I am good). As and when I have called them to come and help me in code, they have left their work aside to come and help the good looking lady who sits beside me. Be it joining me on holidays and having discussions with me on code they have ignored me equally.

My coding for IT started right here on this desk, the Hindustan Affiliated IT Coders youth Association (HAI-CYA), which is so dear to me. I remember landing from pimpri at four o’clock in the morning, and turning up for a deployment at eight o’clock at hinjewadi just because I wanted to be a part of IT, and not that somebody forced me. That was for the love of IT and free food, free internet and not to mention free coffee [silverfish agrees, nods its tentacles].

The journey has been special, the last 10 years, I have played with many senior coders who have grown older than Dumbledore and Gandalf put together put together in 15 years of IT. Thanks to all those senior netizens looking at whom I was motivated to quit sooner before the disease took over. I have high regards for all their achievements(Not) and all their contributions (Bwawawa, Kaika).

I know my speech is getting a bit too long (crackle soars), but this is the last thing I want to say. I want to thank all the people here who have dialled in from various parts of the world, and have supported me endlessly, whether I fumbled on call once or forever. Your support was so dear to me(not) and meant chi-chi to me. Whatever you have done for me would be done to you, remember Stone cold said so [whatever goes around comes around, Austin 3:16].

I know I have met so many guys who have passed me in the hierarchy, prayed for me to fall, done so much kaan-bharing of managers for me. Without that life wouldn’t have been like this for me, I could have been happy. I want to thank you from the bottom of my ***, and also say that time has flown by rather slowly, feels like 70 dog years to me, but the memories you have left with me will always be with me forever and ever, especially “Coder, Coder” which will reverberate in my ears till I stop breathing someday thankfully. Thank you very much. If I have missed out on saying something, I hope you understand and say it yourself when the call ends. Goodbye.”

He banged the call as his 200th came to an end.

“Coder, Coder”, “Coder, Coder” YEAHHH