Saturday, 16th December, 2017

India is now corruption free, PM to declare

30, Nov 2013 By Mahesh Jagga

Our reporter accessed minutes of an emergency meeting held in HQ of a political party. We are not in a position to confirm veracity or the source of the information.

President: We have assembled here today because our spokesmen & spokeswomen have flagged a new and unique problem. They are saying that there are not enough bribery cases / scams to defend as no new revelations have erupted in public domain in last few months. Their view is that they find it much easier to defend scams as compared to other issues media is talking about these days. This is making their jobs difficult.

While they would explain the rationale behind their statements, my point is that if this is true, spokesmen discomfort is the least of our problems. There is another aspect which is damaging or may be, disastrous. That aspect is the impact on our receipts.

Firstly, I want the treasury to assess the impact on current receipts and submit a report on trends. In case the revenue generation is falling short, we need to identify reasons for the same.

Secondly, If what they are saying is true, I would like to know the reasons for the same. It could mean that the team is not focussing on their work. I want your undivided attention on discussing and concluding whether our team’s commitment to organizational objectives has changed or diluted. Let me remind you that the real leaders do not forget organizational values, objectives and deliverables and get overwhelmed by day to day operational pressures. I would like to be convinced of your understanding.

This meeting is now open for discussion and we would begin with our colleagues who have to face media on daily basis.

Spokesman: The problem has two aspects. The media, which would be jumping with glee on the scent of any scam finds has nothing substantial to report and the poor journos are forced to discuss issues like crowds at rallies, living condition in our constituencies and even minor crimes like rapes. Firstly, the issues being discussed create a perception of a passive government whereas scams create an image of decisive one. Secondly, it is easier to handle scam debates as it is our core competency, developed over decades of practice.

We have tried to use some other controversies related to opposition leaders but it is difficult to keep flogging a horse endlessly and importantly, it ended up showing them in good light. Only way to keep media busy and engaged in a discourse which is easier to handle is if we bring the focus back on corruption.

Treasurer: Well, in treasury, we have charted the receipts from extraordinary income after configuring GDP growth, inflation, increase in planned outlay, decline in conviction rates of corruption cases, public’s higher tolerance levels, election year spikes and year-end surges and found that the receipts are as per the expected trends.  There seems to be no dip as far as receipts are concerned.

However, our problem is different. Earlier, whenever CAG announced a new scam, we could tally the figure with our earlier receipts and were able to confirm that our information on scam size was correct.  Now it seems that the auditing agencies have gone off work and we have no way of validating whether what we are getting is due to us.

General Secretary (Operations): Madam, I am in a position to confirm that our objectives in terms of receipts would be achieved state wise, SBU wise and month wise. You don’t have to worry on that count.

President: Fair enough. Now if we are imaginative enough and think out of the box there is one solution which can solve this problem while giving us a positive image.

Spokesman: Madam, kindly share it with us.

President: We can make the best use of the situation. As they say in Hindi, Jo deekta hai so beekta hai. If no cases of corruption are blowing up in recent public memory, there is no corruption in India!

Get the PM to make a statement that since no corruption scandal worth more than 1000 Cr. has been reported in last six months, we can declare India to be corruption free.

Spokesman: Great Idea, Madam. But it would not solve our problem of facing the m..

President: Yes it will. If the party makes a statement that considering the Prime Minister’s declaration of independence from corruption, we have recommended to the government to withdraw all cases against Raja, Kalmadi and other accused and we are also recommending to the government to compensate these victimized individuals for their wrong confinement, it would be sufficient to keep the issue of corruption alive despite declaration of elimination of corruption and life will go on.