Analysts Fear Premature End to Election Feasts
The New York Times. Monday, 1st April, 2075.
Weiner Too Fit For President?
WASHINGTON D.C– While most Americans struggled to lift themselves off their couches, President Bennedict Weiner shocked the world this morning by admitting he takes walks around the White House’s lawns in his free time.The announcement was made after Mr. Weiner hosted heads of leading fast-food chains to discuss the need for further expansion, over a Presidential breakfast.
“It’s obviously something I’m not very proud of,” he said, wiping a piece of bacon off his face. “We Americans have proved over the past 50 years that our lifestyle, like most other American things, trumps those of all the other nations. It would be naive of me to try and change that, but I can’t erase the events of the past few days.”
His untimely confession lead to feverish discussions on mid-morning talk shows whether the President’s actions have given Republican candidate Dick McHealey an unexpected edge in November’s election. Some fear the President may be sending subliminal messages to the nation, almost threatening to take us all back to the Thin Ages while others feel Mr.Weiner’s actions resulted from acute stress-related psychobehaviorosis and he should be given another chance, provided he undergoes intense counselling, of course.
In an exclusive interview with The New York Times, Toby Friemuncher, star of the box office sensation The Burger Games, feels the President has been treated unfairly. “Americans need to look at the bigger picture”, he laments. “Before Weiner took over the national obesity rate was a mere 63% and was even less than the unemployment rate! In just about three years, he has brought it up to an unprecedented 86% for which nobody seems to be giving him any credit. We cannot let one unfortunate act undermine core American values, people.”
This is not the first time Mr. Weiner’s basic American-ness has been questioned. Rumors emerged in February claiming the President kept a treadmill in the Oval Office but they were subsequently squelched following an episode of MTV Cribs.