Partial Transcript of DikVijay’s appearance on ‘We the Tweeple’
Reporter: Let’s move on to another burning issue of rapes. We the Tweeple seek your ingenious opinion on this sensitive topic.
DV: Let me begin by saying, ‘Rape is a state of mind…’
Reporter(vehement interruption): What do you mean Sir, how can you justify a crass statement like that?
DV: Madam, madam, hold on! You are such a
weathered seasoned reporter who has survived war zones and radiations, just keep your cool and let me complete. Politically inclined are those who say girls alone are responsible for rapes. I say, ‘Human Beings are responsible for rapes’ and you should quote me on this. Rape is a collective responsibility and it has been specialization of my PhD thesis on collective responsibility sponsored by PMO.
(The reporter is about to react again but is cut short just in time by DV’s hand signal to calm down)
It’s in the human body, we all are hard-boned for it. All other animals need to use all four limbs to balance themselves, but human beings need only two, or as our party for common man says, public vehicle #11. That frees the highly capable hands to follow the directions of highly
corrupted evolved High Command, the brain. It is these hands that made the planes and the ships. It is these hands that made Salsa and Ballet possible. It is this body structure that made the most gravity friendly yoga position – lying down, possible. So it was just a matter of time before this flaw in human body structure was put to a coercive use, which is hyped by media as rape.
Reporter: You beat the media in logic! Still, ‘We the Tweeple’ think that a clause should be added to our juvenile justice laws which states that if a juvenile commits a crime purely adult in nature, he should be tried as an adult only. Won’t you agree with this, at least?
DV: Lady, on the contrary I would say that the recent verdict must serve as a shining example to restore public faith in the Indian Judicial System; unaffected by the biggest ever media trial, the judiciary went by the rule book even though it was almost gnawed away by poly-tickal rodents. But in my doctored opinion, we should not be talking about absolute crime and justice in the context of rape. It is a natural human behavior like farting, which can not be termed criminal unless committed publicly.
Reporter: So according to you, Besaram Paapu is not guilty and should be immediately released?
DV: No, he should be hanged for pointing a finger towards our almighty Shoonya,
who which is nothing, yet everything.
Reporter: On a related topic, it is rumored that your name was changed from DigVinay to DikVijay while you were holidaying in New Zealand.
DV: It’s not a rumor, it’s a fact that my Uncle arranged for my name change to get my
d*** ass out of a human behavioral mess, anyways the current name suits my image better.
DV: I am sure you are unable to follow the theory formulated from the fathoms from my nano brain and before you start arguing over the nano reference and forget the topic of this interview, let me clarify, it means Tata Nano sized brain. So, to put you at ease with my theory, let me take you through a live demo…
(The camera gets hastily switched off )