Godmen have the best of both worlds. They experience heaven on earth, a multitude of women, fans, money, and fame always seem to follow them wherever they go.
Here are 15 steps to become a fake godman. (Everything listed here are tongue-in-cheek. Not to be taken seriously).
I am not responsible if you fail to become a fake godman, but, if you do . . . well, you got to give me a share of your property.
1. Adopt a new, fancy, and exceptionally longggg name. So, no more being called Rama, or Krishna. Re-christen yourself as Bhagwan Sri Sri Sri (the more Sris, the better) Rama Krishna Paramapitha Maggi Vasudeva Kurkure Menon Swamigal.
2. Grow an equally long beard. You won’t be taken seriously if you address the crowd with a clean-shaven look and military hair cut. You must appear like a prehistoric ape. So grow your hair and beard long enough for birds and animals to live in, and for Loosama Gin Laden to hide in.
3. Re-christen your devotees’ names too. Imagination is key here. So, Miss Shalini Dubey becomes Ma Shakeela Kubey. Play around with names till you get it right. And, remember the prefixes. Ma, Pa, Mami, Paati, Thatha. Everything matters.
4. Have an orange dress code. So everything from your innerwear to your slippers metamorph into an absurd color of orange. And, yes . . . . loads and loads of rudrakhsh malas around your neck, like a bride ready for marriage.
5. Learn magic tricks. This can make or break your career. You must be able to create vibuthi (holy ash) out of thin air, conjure a linga from your mouth without gagging, and cure fever in pigs. Straightening a dog’s tail will give you legendary holy man status. So, learn. And practice.
6. Self-proclaim your enlightened status. Yes, self-publicity is the need of the hour. Tell the world that you became enlightened sitting on top of a rock, rolling in the bottom of a pit, or standing on top of poop in a pig sty. And when you say this, look to the heavens, close your eyes, and cry. (Heightened effect).
7. Change the pitch of your voice. Make it deep. Make it broadcasting. Pause for effect. Talk slowly. Keep laughing at your own joke, or roll your eyes if you have nothing else to do. And, yes . . . most importantly, talk gibberish.
8. Open an ashram. Get suddenly struck by God’s lightning bolt when you are deep in meditation, and say that “God has asked” you to start an ashram. Bless a few foreigners and a couple of political leaders. Lo and behold, all the Swiss bank purse strings will open.
9. Read. Read. Read. Any book on Zen Buddhism, Nasrudin Mullah, and Jangri Dabba is key. You must be able to give complex “deeper” meanings into simple questions. If someone asks you the time, tell them that life is a pilgrimage from nowhere to nowhere, in which you are now-here.
10. Be in the news, always. This one is difficult. Be armed with controversies and miracles. Make people believe that they can fly. Tell the world that chickens die because they don’t call out to God for help. Cure blind men of their deafness, and deaf men of their dumbness.
11. Start a free school and a medical hospital. This is important in gaining more trust. Donations will be key here. So, make sure you say it’s all part of God’s plan. Everything else can be charged. Right from processions, to prasadams, to papads. High return on investments. Rest assured.
12. Keep separate rooms for special ‘devotees’. So, well-to-do businessmen has a separate room, top political officer has another, and one of your “special female devotees on the pathway to heavenly nectar” has a separate room. Discourses and acts in each of these rooms must be different. Mixing rooms up will lead to disaster.
13. Beware of video surveillance. Completely ransack your rooms for any form of video cameras. A fly on the wall, a slipper on the floor, a jam bottle on the table . . . these are dangerous items. Watch out for any holes in the wall during your ‘holy’ act. If caught, claim that you were morphed, the girl was morphed, and the bed itself was morphed.
14. Keep meditating. Watch monkeys monkeying around. Watch different apes, gorillas, and buffaloes for inspiration. Adopt the same technique and call it dynamonkey meditation, tarzan meditation, or tummy meditation. Make your devotees sing, dance, shout, and cry for extended periods. Or, ask them to watch a Karan Johar movie.
15. Last but not the least. Threaten the world that you will leave your physical, mathematical, and chemistrical body if the devotees do not give you bikes, cars, aeroplanes, and bullock carts. And, wait for the swiss purse strings to open up again.
Doing all this will ensure you a successful career as a fake Godman. All the best.
Jai Pyjamaya namaha!