In a recent turn of cosmic events, where even God was surprised with the most unlikely people falling in love with each other (read Sajid Khan and Jacqueline Fernandez), God has introduced a Law of Attraction to keep us in check every time we have a desire to act like a total ass to impress someone who compares us to the office janitor.
This faking news reporter through his reliable sources has managed to get his hands on the first draft of the law.
Law of Attraction
An act to provide simplicity in the means of attraction to someone who is looking for a long term fruitful painless relationship
1. Short Title, extent and commencement
(1) This act may be called the Law of Attraction under the jurisdiction of the Government of Paradise, 2014
(2) It extends to the whole human society, even if they live in caves and wear leaves.
(3) It shall come into force on such date as one Cupid, by notification of his official gazette (read, flower tipped arrow), appoint
2. Definitions, in this act unless the context otherwise requires
(1) “Attraction” means the chemical imbalance caused in the body of a human being while scanning the physical form of another human being.
(2) “Human Being” unless the context otherwise requires, means any physical being covered under the act of Theory of Evolution, Darwin, 1859.
(3) “Gucci” refers to any object of materialistic desire and can be read as Jimmy Choo, Louis Vuitton, Victoria’s Secret and in continuation.
Provided, Cupid shall be seen as a cruel practical joke by someone up there with a really sad sense of humor.
3. Act not applicable to certain Persons – Nothing in this act shall apply to
(1) People who believe in the presence of a Blonde Dwarf in Diapers (read Cupid)
(2) Any person under the influence of Alcohol , Drugs or Viagra
4. Provisions of sub section (1) and sub section (2) of section 3 not applicable to certain persons
(1) 40 year old virgins
(2) Die-hard SRK and Hugh Grant fans
5. Conditions for attraction
(1) A person shall not get attracted to someone who’s in love with someone else and vice-versa.
(2) A person can get attracted to someone who is also attracted to a third person provided the people in contention are not in love.
(3) A person shall not get attracted to his/her best friend unless both are unattracted to a third person till the biological age of 30.
(4) A person shall not get attracted to someone who thinks the person in contention looks like the missing link.
(5) A person shall not get attracted to someone who talks about Gucci and the person in contention in the same breath provided the person in contention is not the owner of a Gucci Showroom.
(6) A person shall not get attracted to someone who is not physically accessible within 30 minutes by road.
(7) A male shall not get attracted to a female whose mother is a former beauty queen and still looks like one.
(8) A female shall not get attracted to a male whose father is a former underwear model and still gets offers.
(9) A person shall not get attracted to someone who was used in the study of unstable human behaviour (read impulsiveness, jealousy, stalking, possessiveness and in continuation).
(10) A person shall not get attracted to a person who at any given time has more than 5 suitors.
(11) A person shall not get attracted to someone who in reply to “love you” says “thank you” provided “love you” has not already been said before.
6. This act shall continuously be modified and any person with a valid logical theory on conditions for attraction can be a part of it.
Government of Paradise, 2014