Saturday, 21st October, 2017

Confessions of the Man Who Fell on His Bum: A True Story Perhaps

09, May 2015 By dashy

So the other day, I was taking a joyride on my bike and bang in the middle of the road there was an oil puddle, probably left by an errant tanker. I slipped and fell BAM on my bum with the bike all over me, my leg trapped under it. Since I am not ‪‎Sunny Deol‬ I couldn’t lift the bike off me and get up and was rather uncomfortably and painfully stuck under it.

Suddenly, I saw a hand extended towards me from nowhere. Smiling, I was about to take the hand when I saw that it had a mic in it. “Roll Kar Roll Kar”, shouted the reporter to the guy with the camera, standing right behind him. “So, how do you feel after falling down? Are you hurt? How badly hurt are you?”, the guy asked me shoving the mic in my face. I gave him my best, WTF-Look. But he refused to back down.

Within moments, there was a huge crowd surrounding me. People took out their mobile phones started shooting the video. Some people even started having a debate on how trucks or tankers spew oil all over the roads. Some blamed the Municipal Corporation while others blamed the RTO. Suddenly there was a large Army Van which arrived on the scene. My silent prayers of thanks were dashed as out jumped around 20 odd reporters and their cameramen. They pushed through the crowd and started asking me all sorts of questions.

All I could do was scream “GoBackIndianMedia” in my mind. Over the dinner, breaking the sound barriers, I could hear ‪Arnab Goswami‬ screaming on a nearby restaurant’s TV. “Times Now has an Exclusive Report! The ‪PM‬ should resign! Nation Demands an Answer!” I was about to black out from the pain, by now, when out of the blue a man wearing an Army Uniform that said “Gorkha Regiment” grabbed my hand and pulled me out from under the bike.

I gave him a thankful smile and a weak salute. “Did they actually send in the ‪Army‬ to rescue me?”, I asked him surprised. He grinned in that lovable way that only a ‪Nepali‬ can. “No you idiot, I was just passing by, on leave, on the way home”. The guy disappeared as easily as he had arrived on the scene, before I could hug him. Love, the army guys, they never do things for the want of credit, and we so happily oblige them by not giving them any, either.

I shrugged myself and started hobbling away from the scene. I fished my phone out and started calling my wife to let her know about what happened. And just then my phone rang. It was my wife. “Hey! Are you alright? I heard you fell”, she asked.

“Err … how did you know?”, I asked. “I saw a tweet from ‪‎Modi‬, he has expressed his sympathies and hopes you are alright. That’s where I came to know about this from”, pat came her reply. Damn! Didn’t know my wifey was on twitter. I have heard, now, that they are going to have a debate about this on some news channel. The expert panel includes ‪‎Shobha De‬ and ‪Suhel Seth.

I have also heard that ‪Arvind Kejriwal‬ of ‪AAP‬ is planning to hold a Dharna against the government for this. In a place with no trees, of course. ‪‎RaGa‬ is also planning to visit my city, to lend his voice for this cause. He is planning to do the same thing that he did for the farmers and the home buyers, not sure, exactly what that is though.

Me??? I am okay. I took a rick and went back home. On my way, I saw two ‪#‎Police‬ guys trudging slowly towards my bike. Aha! Always the last guys to be on any scene, as usual.

Disclaimer: Okay, maybe I just made all this up? And then again, maybe I didn’t