Friday, 18th August, 2017

Citing homosexuality as an illness, man calls himself gay to take leave from office

17, Dec 2013 By cunninglinguist

Pune. Kaamdev Sharma, a 28-year old IT engineer working with leading IT company Ram Rajya Infotech shocked his boss on Friday, when he called in asking for a holiday because he was feeling a bit gay. Soon, the rest of the engineers followed suit, effecting a mass bunk at Ram Rajya Infotech.

“I woke up at 6 am and felt like something was wrong. I felt much more fabulous than usual. I put on my pink crocs and polka dotted pajamas and went to the living room to watch the news, whilst eating my cupcakes. That’s when I saw Baba Ramdev talking and realized I had a problem. I was sick. I couldn’t go to work. So, I called my boss and let him know that I was feeling gay.” recounted Kaamdev.

Ram Rajya Infotech has agreed to provide Faking News with an official transcript of the call. It goes as follows:

“Honey, I can’t bring my fabulous ass down to the office today cuz I am feelin’ gay. So, you can kiss my big brown ass goodbye.”

Kaamdev’s boss Digvijay Singh was shocked at the whole episode.

An artist’s rendition of a gay man’s typical day

“Kaamdev is a hard-working guy and one of our best engineers. He is sau pratishat tanch maal. I was shocked at his call but what was more disappointing was the way the engineers brazenly cornholed the management. Since being gay is recognized by the Supreme Court as a sickness, there was nothing the management could do. I’m sure this is all a RSS conspiracy.” said Digvijay, true to his namesake’s views, while our reporter sniggered at “cornholed”.

While the management has called out some engineers on faking gayness, the engineers have maintained that they were genuinely feeling gay and hence couldn’t come to work.

“I was feeling super gay that day. I am not faking it. All I could think about was rainbows and penises and elaborately tied scarfs. I couldn’t focus on my job. It’s got nothing to do with Kaamdev’s situation. This is a serious matter.  I strongly believe that there should be paid “gay” leaves. It’s not my fault that I can’t work because I’m gay.” said an engineer on the condition of anonymity, while barely managing to maintain a straight face.

Meanwhile, Baba Ramdev has invited all the gay employees of Ram Rajya Infotech  to his yoga camp to cure them.

“I sympathize with all the gay employees of Ram Rajya Infotech and would love to cure them of the deadly disease. I have developed a 7-day straight  boot camp.

In the first three days, we have the standard RSS initiation wherein we will dress them up in standard RSS uniform of tight  bright-orange shorts and chest-hugging tees and have them do exercises in a field full of men.

The next two days, we have another manly sport: kabaddi, where nearly nude men grapple with each other on the ground, sweating.

In the remaining 3 days, we have a native straightening out strategy that I developed. It involves escaping from the police wearing salwar-kameez, with a chunni over your head. I remember how manly I felt when I did that. I am sure that doing this exercise three times a day will turn any man straight as an arrow.” said Baba Ramdev.

Ram Rajya Infotech has officially commented that they are developing a gay test, which will test their engineers over the fondness of sangria, brunches,cupcakes, puppies and other relevant gayness parameters and rank them from Salman Khan to VJ Andy. This, they believe, will help them catch fake gays and bring their non-fabulous asses down to their cubicles to work.