Mumbai: In an outstanding development, cigarette companies have been now declared official sponsors of cancer. The deadly disease which is considered one of the largest killers in the whole planet, is now officially sponsored by philanthropic companies such as Wills, Malboro etc.
“Cancer is a remarkable disease, after our cancer loving healthy cigarettes, pump carcinogenic and fragrant smoke into your blood, it helps some damn cell in your body to start multiplying continuously. It makes that first cell, forget, how to stop multiplying, and then in some time, you have a beautiful, growing tumor in your body! Just like that! But the most interesting part, is that, it doesn’t stop there! The tumor multiplies, and grows anywhere it can, in your blood, lungs, stomach, and even bones! And then in a few months time, before you know it.. well, you know..!!” says Dr. Kakra Crab, the CEO of Wills.
“The most interesting part is that mostly, you come to know about the disease quite late… But even if you come to know about it early, don’t be disappointed! You, and your family is gifted by an adventurous life ahead! The fear of you worsening, continuously helps your family to enjoy life. It also helps them to appreciate the value of money.. And if you have young kids, old parents, and loving wife (or husband), what best gift, can you give them, than your own painful..well you know?” added Mr. Khooni Jaanwar, the CEO of tambakhu paan masala.
Dr. Mahesh Goel, the surgical oncologist in Tata Memorial Hospital, one of the most leading cancer hospitals in the country said in an exclusive interview to the Faking news, “Our hospital is under tremendous pressure. Cancer has reached unimaginable proportions. Today our hospital is getting more than 50,000 new cases of cancer per year. Tobacco and cigarette smoking is one of the largest causes of it. with cigarette companies declaring themselves to be the official sponsors of the disease we are set to become the World No. 1 in Cancer production! Yipee! In number of cases, we do not know the cause of cancer. But very few things, like cigarette smoking, is proven to be cancer causing. Hence with government, multinationals, public and individuals supporting it, is a big step forward!!”.
When Mr. Jholu, a college student, smoking a casual cigarette behind the college ground in Delhi, was asked about the development, he said, visibly excited, “I cannot believe this! Wow! This is an outstanding news!! I initially smoked only because of fashion, since it suits my personality, but now, given I can gift this disease to my family, in all its glory, i cannot wait to have another smoke! Cheers!! Ahuh Ahuh! Sorry, this cough is killing me..”