Tuesday, 20th February, 2018

CBI to introduce a 'Clean Chit' rating system

02, Aug 2013 By Sabkutch Chaltahai!

The Judiciary, upset by the pandemic outbreak of  ‘clean chit’ issuance post CBI’s clean chit to Bansal, has summoned CBI chief  Rubber Chinnaha to clarify this ‘system’ of ‘clean chits’.

News reports in some sections of the press that the soul of Ajmal Kasab (apparently speaking through the medium of a rape accused) had issued a clean chit to General Dyers (of Jalinwalla Bagh massacre)  accused, triggered a suo-moto action by the  Judiciary. “This is way too much. People are (referring to BCCI no doubt) getting retired judges to issue ‘clean chits’, which we objected to. But, now it appears any one can issue one (clean chit) . At this rate everyone will issue a ‘clean chit’ to themselves.Then, where is the need for a judiciary, police or CBI ? Is there no sanctity left ?” they asked.

CBI’s response, needless to say, has astounded and confounded everyone once again ! The CBI Director, Rubber Chinnaha  read out from a paper ‘The anticipated autonomy and subsequent ‘deluge of investigations’ in the forthcoming election year has made us realize that we quickly need have in place a proper process & procedure for  ‘Clean Chieats’. We have observed that almost all scams have come about because of call tapping. Not only the authorized agencies like us, IT, RAW etc…, but also other sundry parties as the media, low level constables, detective agencies, the mafia, the ISI agents, the terrorist organizations, the political parties, the outsourced staff of the outsourced agencies of the service providers all are tapping phones. The minute some of the juicier information gets to  the Media, it becomes a ‘scam’ and CBI is saddled with the case. It is difficult to issue ‘clean chits’ to politically sensitive cases; further, we are saddled with so many cases, of so many political hues and colors; we are caught between the Media and Political pressure while issuing ‘clean chits’ (the aam admi can go to the Cage!). So, we have devised a rating system like the Moodys, Standard & Poors , Fitch etc. At the time of registering a case, we shall get an initial  rating done by our rating agency ‘Cleaner or Dirtier’ , which we propose to set up with the FIUD, NIA, and other central investigating institutions. This will help us to complete the investigation faster as all we have to do is fix our rubber stamp on the rating and leak it to the press. Accordingly, the scams will be classified as under:

(1) Extremely speculative Clean Chit (High Risk Clean Chit – HRC2) – We feel the call records might not hold at all, being extremely speculative on our part. Like IPL Dawood tapes. With no previous voice samples available, we have trap Dawood into conversing with us or with Arnab on his show.

(2) Middling Evidence available Clean chit (Medium Risk Clean Chit- MRC2) – Like our Bansal Railway Case; The nephew is in; but seriously, we really can’t expect the minister to sing on the phone

‘Mere naam hai Bansal; pyar se log mujhe kahte hain Bansi

Hello  pahchana ? mile the kabhee Mumbai me !

Daro nahee, bat hai woh nabe lakh ki , par raj raj hee rahega

tumhara nam kya hai ha ha ha

Suresh, Naresh, Paresh ya Quresh, Suresh, Naresh, Paresh ya MAHESH ?’

Can we ?

(3) Substantive Evidence Available Clean Chit (Lesser than Medium Risk Clean Chit -LMRC2) – Like Aarushi Case; we have evidence, we can use it to fix anybody since we could compromise substantive amount of the evidence either by negligence or deliberate intent (for which another rating would be required subsequent to registering of another investigation).

(4) Significant Evidence Available Clean Chit (Low Risk Clean Chit – LRC2) – like the AgustaWestland  Choppergate where the accused party’s country will take care of him/her.

(5) Overwhelming Evidence Available for Clean Chit (Low Risk Clean Chit- LRC2) – Are you kidding ? This is the greatest risk; we might have to proceed and prosecute ! This would be the greatest risk for all of us ! Think towards our future !

(5) Clinching Evidence Available for Clean Chit (No Risk Clean Chit NRC2) :Ha, Ha….this is truly a good joke ! But required to settle scores with intra & inter party feuds – cases like Mayawati (BSP) and  P.V. Narasinha Rao (Congress) which have to be managed by the accused .