Sunday, 25th February, 2018

Breaking News: Delhi to become a secular pilgrimage center

29, Jul 2013 By Sabkutch Chaltahai!

The Congress Core Group meeting held recently to discuss Telangana issue, was apparently a smoke screen. A Sab Kuch Chalta Hai (SKCH) reporter , who had managed to sneak in as an Andhra waitress, has a different tale to tell. She claimed that she could not manage to break the news earlier because she was breaking gas due to the gongura chutney she had inadvertently consumed at the conclave (offered in the Rs.5 category). She filed the report with SKCH as soon as she could move about without drawing attention to herself. Here is her report:

As I walked around serving Gutthivankai Kura (stuffed brinjal curry) I nearly dropped the serving dish  on another waiter serving Kakarkai Kura (Stuffed Bitter Gourd Curry) when I heard Shier Nixit’s putting forward her proposal on ‘Delhi, a Secular Pilgrimage Centre – an election promise’. SN, who has been regularly accused by the Media for all ills plaguing Delhi, is getting sick of this whole rigmarole of ‘accepting responsibility’ for every ill in Delhi. The recent heavy rains was the last straw;  “I do not want to get into fixing anybody’s responsibilities. It is the responsibility of the electorate to ensure governance by government bodies” she declared. She further elaborated “Delhi’s biggest problem is stress. Stress of having to face a daily dose of scam & sting operations being shown on visual media.People are so stressed they have no time to pray to their Gods. If people had the the time to pray, would there have been such vindictive rains?” she wondered.

Hawan Bansil agreed. “People do not get their prayers drafted and vetted properly. That is why they are getting all wet. Then they are blaming us for failure of the system”.

There was a chorus of concurrence from all senior leaders.

“What do we do?” they moaned.

Mannish Thesaury, ever the man with ideas and words suggested “We need a holistic solution to an aggregate of multiple problems held by  undeniable obfuscation which will ensure collective unaccountability”.

“Huh” asked Diggyji “is that something like the anti RSS-Modi Missile we are planning to launch?”

“What ever it is, it has to follow the party line and be within the party’s parameter” intoned Rahul baba.

Soniaji remained silent, constant association with her PM was becoming to show on her….

“No, No, No !” Shierji screamed exasperated. “Ask yourselves, what are the people doing right now ?” All looked dumbfounded.

“Praying that the inflation will stop, praying corruption will stabilize, praying governance will commence…. They are praying !”.

“BJP wants to give a Ram temple ! We will give them a world of temples, here at Delhi !” she finished with a flourish.

“How do we do this as a secular thinggy?” asked Diggy.

“Like this:

(1) When it rains, people will go to the Indra temple to pray for deliverance.

(2) When ever there is any crime against women, they will go to a special Durga Mata temple to get over their fears and stop crowding at the India Gate.

(3) There will be a CBI church for the accused who can go, confess and be absolved with a clean chit (Hawan Bansil claps).

(4) There will be a NIA masjid where those who oppose us will be punished by the shariat, tooth for tooth, eye for eye – expose for expose.

(5) A Gurudwara called Direct Cash Transfers where we can hold langars and distribute cash right into the voters hand just before the elections! “

Shierji stops for breath. Astounded faces break into smiles. There is an uproar of applause. People get up and hug each other and Shierji.

Chidu gets up, donned in the Buddhist bhkishu style, he moans “Shalom Bernanke, forgive them for they do not know economics….but fill my coffers oh NRI Lakshmiji”.

As he creeps out of the door, I follow him, in the pretext of offering him the gongura chutney mixed with rice.

“Eat it” he tells me kindly, if I or Subbu can not save the rupee, that would well be your last meal at Rs.12″.