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Blue chip terrorist organizations miffed with World Bank report on India

07, Sep 2014 By absak

According to latest reports, blue chip organizations such as Al-Qaeda & ISIS are re-considering investing their resources in India. This comes close on the heels of a similar announcement made by Lashkar-e-Insaaf, pointing to India’s refusal to move up the rankings on the ‘Ease of Doing Business’ report, released by World Bank recently.

FiredTerrorists

The Emerging Markets Strategy Head of ISIS, on condition of anonymity, from Rawalpindi, says, “We have been trying to reach out to the Indian Government for over 6 years now via Satelline phones & VoiP but the government seems to neither have the access nor the capability to use these sophisticated technologies. So we then re-calibrated our focus and strategy towards establishing our mission of institutionalizing democratic pain & anguish within Pakistan & Iraq for now. But time has come, when we want people of other nations, especially the fast growing economies of BRIC, to experience this great brand of ours.”

That said, trans-national corporations like Al-Qaeda & ISIS have slowly begun to source human resource talent within India. The Chief HR Head of ISIS, now in India, has swiftly swung into action, with an aim to buttress its talent management capabilities in India. While it is considering the usual route of Campus hiring, other avenues of recruitment to fill its managerial cadre are also being deliberated – borrowed from its rich experiences in its existing markets of Nigeria & Iraq. These include abduction & hijacking, with the latter more preferred owing to its ‘high gain-high risk-high PR’ advantage. Abduction is usually carried out via a Franchisee route, where it partners local agencies for seamless execution.

Says one of the students specializing in Marketing & Warfare at a top Business school – “Their leadership program is widely known & their biggest differentiator is the hands-on-gun exposure they provide right from the start. For the first time this year, they are using Gamification to recruit talent.” When asked about why he applied to ISIS, he says, “I am especially keen on a role named ‘Re-branding Specialist’. The role is highly challenging in that elite organizations such as ISIS & Al-Qaeda change their names once every quarter, which necessitates Re-branding & massive PR.”

The role of marketing in these organizations has not been given its right due, says the author of “22 Insurmountable laws of Marketing’. He says that big companies often fall into what he calls the ‘Competency Trap’, the meaning of which he refuses to expand. He however says that re-branding will help ISIS make itself relevant and establish its positioning to its key target audience – the governments of 20 countries including Swaziland, Papua New Guinea, Belize & Burkina Faso.

ISIS on its part says its campus recruitment process is intense yet fun. Explains the Chief HR Head, ISIS: “The first stage of the games lets shortlisted candidates roll the dice and attempt questions on myriad topics relating to Terror, Abduction, Ruination, Bombing, Annihilation, Extortion and Hijacking, the key areas of company focus in 2014-15. These tools help us invite solutions to real life challenges, which as you know, we impress upon people all over the world with unyielding regularity & on a massive scale.” He however refused to divulge the number of positions the company plans to recruit though this gaming channel.

The students have reasons to cherish though – an attractive package that includes perks such as living in mobile tents, armored tank with a utility box & a Satellite phone charging socket, reimbursement of Satellite phone bills, 1 to & fro annual ticket to their native place on a different passport, a promised passport to heaven, not to mention ESOPs.

However, the cherry on the cake is that all positions on offer this year are for International markets, such as Somalia, Nigeria & Iraq. The exposure will give students an insight into the global best practices, to be then customized to other markets based on Market specific needs.

Job sentiment in India seems to finally looking up !