The BCCI had a delightful announcement for cricketing fans across the subcontinent as it decided to resume cricketing ties between India and Pakistan by the end of 2012. Those that have their frontal lobes dedicated to remembering non-cricket stats may recall that cricketing ties between the two countries were suspended following the horrific terrorist attacks on 26/11 in Mumbai.
More surprise lay along the road as the BCCI announced that the cricket matches and tournaments will be held on those days when terrorists from Pakistan, ostensibly called “non-state actors”, decide to unleash their violence upon unsuspecting Indians.
“We are cricket crazy nations, the two of us” said N.Srinivasan, the President of the BCCI, “so any adverse media attention we may get from a terrorist attack will be quickly consumed in the ball by ball updates we receive on our mobile phones and on twitter”. This reporter has taken pains to observe trends far and wide and come to the conclusion that Mr.Srinivasan is one of the greatest experts on manipulating media attention and promoting his brand.
The media frenzy, after the BCCI announcement, was focussed on Kris Srikanth, the Chairman of the Selection Committee and lately, a man under a lot of stress, with matches and Parliamentary sessions scheduled on the same dates and terror attacks expected to happen at both locations. To questions about how he would manage the selections, Srikanth replied in his characteristic style,“Boss you just shut up now, you don’t talk like that. There may have been some error, err, erroneus decisions by the BCCI and the Parliament and we may end up losing some matches. It happens boss.”
While the nation has no clue how the BCCI will be able to predict the dates of terror attacks and schedule matches on the same date, let alone make arrangements for said matches under such short notice, Lalit Modi, the discredited ex-Chairman of IPL and former VP of BCCI tweeted that he has valuable contacts within the NATGRID framework and is willing to offer his services to the BCCI on a pay-per-match basis. Further DMs on Twitter have revealed that Modi plans to use the intelligence input that enters NATGRID from IB and RAW sources to predict the dates of terror attacks and schedule india-Pakistan cricket matches on those days.
The nation is yet to recover from the shock and awe created by this announcement. But there was more in store, from the Home Minister himself. P. Chidambaram nonchalantly said, “Half the offices in the country, including mine, are empty when India plays Pakistan. This is part of our long term strategy to reduce casualties in such attacks. With the streets deserted and everybody at home, who will the terrorists kill? They will be shamed into failure. Moreover, if Pakistan denies responsibility for the terror attack and blames it on non-state actors, we can always point out to the demolition and destruction their bowlers perform on our batsmen everytime we play, and spin the match itself off as “state sponsored terror”. Even Hafiz Saeed and Abu Jundal cannot say no to that you see”, ended the Home Mionister chuckling at his own sense of humor.
Our reporter that spoke to the Home Minister is yet to recover from the awfully shocking experience.