Wednesday, 21st February, 2018

Bangalore Gallata

19, Nov 2013 By iamgreat

Hot Updates from Bangalore

1.  A beautiful lake in the outskirts of Bangalore till yesterday was found by today’s morning nature-call-attendees to be transformed overnight. Their marked spot was replaced by well-marked rectangular plots.  A group of realtors performed the fastest overnight land conversion + grab, breaking the previous record held by Rob from Haryana.  They attributed this miracle to the tiger team consisting of Revenue Dept/Corporation/Forest Dept/Local Councillors/MLA/Local Prison Goons/Imported Earth Movers.  Along with the challenging physical work of transforming water-body to land-body, the corresponding paper work of updating the maps in each of the above departments and Google maps was concurrently performed. Citing this is a classic example of international cooperation spanning Public-Private-Prisoned (Realtors, Software hackers, Thugs, Govt, Pvt sector, MNCs) entities, multiple technologies (Hi-fi earth movers,  google hackers), the realtors said that this is the future. Showing concern for the displacement of natural toilets, the group has offered 1 year supply of Diapers along with free training on their usage.

Land-grabber kingpin Rob from Haryana, meanwhile has congratulated this team and cited this as an example of how technology and people came together to improve the business process and set a new bar.

2.   The case of “vanishing tar” in AP/TN states has been finally cracked by the CBI. They have unearthed a major racket, involving techies in Tar-Theft activity in the borders of Bangalore.  As per the source in the CBI, given the pathetic conditions of road in the city, about a year ago, a thousand techies joined together in Facebook and made the group called “Roadies”.  Each weekend, techies from different corners of the city would go to the nearest bordering city in the night. They would then start digging and collecting the tar and bring it back to Bangalore in their car boot.  This would then be used to create roads in their area.  The home ministers of the two states have strongly conveyed their displeasure over this “Cross Border Tarrism”. The also pointed out that without involvement of state players, such activity cannot be carried on. Furthermore they added, if the above statement did not work, their next statement would “condemn” such activity to be followed by a statement stating “strict action will be taken against the Perpetrator”. If all this fails, they would complain to the President. This is in keeping with the foreign ministry’s directive of handing CBT.

Karnataka, meanwhile, has clarified that no state player was involved either in this activity or in any other sports activity (of late). The official said that The Bangalore Corporation has no money to run any kind of vehicle or employ any manpower to do such activity. This was purely a netizen driver initiative and is an example of how they can literally draw their own road maps for their locality.

3.  In a new development that puts Bangalore on the international map, a visiting NASA delegation has selected Bangalore roads to test run the next version of the Mars rover.  Explaining the background, they explained that the NASA scientists thought that their computer satellite had reportedly mal-functioned when it detected huge craters on Earth. The delegates hence visited the site (i.e. Bangalore) to investigate the malfunction of their imaging software. NASA performed a quick inspection of Suranajan Das Road, L.B. Shastry Nagar Roads, HAL road.

During this inspection, they found that potholes were of different sizes and shapes, and were completely randomly located throughout the road stretch.The reported satellite images were consistent with the layout of the roads.

The accompanying BBMP officers observed that such road layouts were god-sent, as this was due to rain/heat. As per the officer, the “Gods have been crazy” the last year.  Additionally he added, given that the monsoons are going to last for a longer time, more degeneration is expected.   This further impressed the visiting NASA delegation, as they can now upgrade the land-rover “test site” to a “stress test site”.  Our internal NASA source divulged, “NASA has spent millions of dollars for creating machinery that would punch out craters with randomness on a given path. However  the randomness demonstrated on the Bangalore roads, whether it  is in the size/shape  of  potholes, their irregular filling with any locally available material  creating  unearthly Mars-like geometric shapes, and anywhere-anytime digging by BWSSB/BBMP/Telephone dept/Pvt Companies,  was above and beyond anything that software could comprehend.

NASA has also shown interest in BMTC drivers as candidates for future drivers of the land rovers. They have promised a quota of 10% for BMTC drivers in the manned-Mars-mission.   For the usage of roads, they are expected to sign a contract worth Rs. 100 crores with BBMP for the next 4.4 years (few months before next general election is held). BBMP needs to ensure that all main roads in Bangalore remain in the current state or become even worse for this period of time.

Super Spiritual Guru Sri Sri has observed that this is how everything is cosmically connected.  Citing the above case, he said that this illustrates how few men’s corruption has led to co-operation between two corporations.