New Delhi: Amidst the furor over the attack on director Sanjay Leela Bhansali by Karni sena, our ghost-investigative team wanted to find out what really happened between Alauddin Khilji and Padmavati alias Padmini. So, we met a conjurer in the dark suburbs of Delhi.
Ram Khan, who calls himself both Hindu and Muslim, was seated amidst skulls and bones. Our reporter sat before him and told about the reason for the appointment. Smiling while scratching his cheek, Ram closed his eyes and started calling out Alauddin. After a few minutes of feverish murmur, Ram smiled with closed eyes and said, “Khilji saab is in Jannat. Heaven. He has been given heaven for his effective reduction of Kafirs from this world”. The room then went back to silence.
Within few minutes, a white fog descended from the ceiling and it took the form of an ancient king. “Say salaam to sikandar-i-sani”, Ram gestured towards the king. Unnerved by the ghost of Alauddin sitting before us, we paid our respects to the slave dynasty’s king.
Faking News Reporter (FNR): Salaam Sultan!
Alauddin Khilji (AK): Salaam. What do you want?
FNR: What?!? You know English? I brought an Arabic translator to talk with you actually.
AK: Yes. In Heaven, Osama taught me English. Best mate he is!
FNR: Wow. Anyhow, we want to talk to you regarding your life in India.
AK: I will be happy to answer.
FNR: Why did you invade Chittoor?
AK: Haa! Chittorgarh. Let me think deeply.
FNR: Rani Padmini..
AK: Yess. Padmini. How gorgeous she was! Too bad that she self-immolated herself. For your Info, she is still burning in hellfire. If only she had came to us…she would have anyhow burnt in hellfire. (laughs)
FNR: So, you liked her?
AK: When her husband was taking me around the fort, I checked out her dress. I was only eager to ask where she bought them.
FNR: You did not want her?
AK: What the hell! I invaded Chittor to add more hot Rajput men to my harem. I had Arabs, Turks and Mongol men in my harem. I also had Gujarat kids in my harem. But, my peers at the drinking chamber told that Rajput men are yummy. Next day morning, I was out of my fort gates with thousands of my soldiers. When I besieged Chittorgarh fort, I forced the king to send me his men. But I was confused over why their women folks embraced fire. Maybe, the king misunderstood my words.
FNR: But we all thought you fell in love seeing the beauty of Padmini and wanted to take her as your wife.
AK: What will I say to my love Malik Kafur then? Anyhow, shit happens. Why are kafirs so concerned about me now?
FNR: Few Kafirs are taking a movie with you as hero and Padmini as your lover.
By now, the ghost turned red in color and shouted, “I CONDEMN THIS! This is clear distortion of history. Are they trying to heterosplain me? What sort of whitewash of history is this? You people are totally homophobic. #Repeal377 #ISupportLGBTQ”
Trying to distract him, we then showed the photo of Deepika Padukone, which he glanced with love in his eyes. “Looks like my adorable Malik Kafur. By the way, Who is playing Padmini?”