Monday, 23rd April, 2018

As a solution to loudspeaker issue, scientists to inject Arnab's gene into bhajan singers

30, Jul 2014 By manithan

New Delhi: The All India Institute of Medical Sciences along with Indian Institute of Vocal (IIV) has embarked on a new drive to prevent the loudspeaker issue into becoming cause for yet another riots.

arnab goswami
One of a kind.

In a press meet convened by IIV, the institute’s head and the brain behind this initiative, Dr. Chatterjee, said, “All of us know about the loudspeaker issue, that is becoming a major issue in India for the past few weeks. A loudspeaker in mosque is quintessential, but all of us need to rethink about the necessity of loudspeaker in temples. It was champion movement by our Secular journalists who have highlighted this issue. To help preserve the fabric of secularism in India, we then decided to take up this issue and solve it.”

Clearing his voice, he continued, “At first, we thought of doing this as more of an outsider a la non-scientific way. We thought of suggesting temples in India to play bhajans in loud mobile phones instead of loud speakers. But many of the temples did not entertain that. Also, the people who perform bhajan might lose their job because of this. It was then we saw the Newshour program on TimesNow and the loud voice of Arnab Goswami gave that spark to our scientific mind. We extracted the gene that is responsible for Arnab’s loud voice and then cloned it in our labs and now we have made it into a vaccine, the Arnab Loudness Gene (ALG). As a pilot move, we had injected it into the Moradabad bhajan crew, so that loudspeakers there are replaced by them. “

When asked about the cost it might incur, he replied, “As of now, we are planning to do it for free. We are asking for the respective temple authorities to donate for our continued research.”

A happy Moradabad policeman commented, “Since the loudspeaker was a concern in case of Moradabad, injecting the ALG into the bhajan performers will not be disturbing the peace of neighborhoods. I do not even have a shield to defend myself against the stones.”

Sources from Timesnow confirmed that ‘Arnab is the most happiest person after receiving this news’. One employee of TimesNow, said on conditions of anonymity, that, “Though Arnab wanted to shoot the TRP high with this loudspeaker issue, he was scared after few temple authorities wanted to kidnap him and force him to sing bhajans, since he can only sing that aloud without loudspeakers. This research by scientists have cooled him a bit. When he got a call from the lab, he was happy enough to let them take some of cells from his vocal cords.”

Latest reports coming from in and around Moradabad states that ‘those bhajan crews which were injected with ALG cannot say anything in Hindi or Sanskrit now, and whenever they try to talk, it sounds like Arabic.’

Also, rumors about Chatterjee hosting grand dinner to few Arabs in a famous hotel in the city is being spread in Twitter. Internet Hindus went on rampage against IIV on Twitter crying foul about the vaccine and tweeting that ‘they had mixed the ALG with Arabic Genes’.