In a stunning move today, the leaders of the Telangana and Andhra Pradesh joined hands in creating a new kind of political zone in the country: a two-state union called United States of Andhra.
“It is the dream of every Telugu speaker to be in the U.S.A, and today we are bringing that dream to fruition by creating U.S.A for the people,” said a spokesperson for the TRS party.
22-year old engineer Vinod Reddy, a student planning to go for higher studies to the other U.S.A, was in jubilant mood, “With current exchange rates I would have had to cough up maybe seven or eight crores for an M.S. even if I chose some cheap Texas desi university, but the going rate for U.S.A or U.S.A-return bridegrooms in my community is only two or three crores. It would have been a big loss. Now I can do M.S in U.S for just a few lakhs and still sell myself to a prospective bride for two crores. Now, that’s profit!”
Nagaveni, a housewife in Medak, was in a more vindictive mood, “Everyone in this neighborhood but me have relatives in that forsaken country and they’ve always talked badly about my family and maligned me in my social circles because of that. Now, even my whole family is in the U.S.A. All the prayers I did in the Shakti U.S.A-amma temple has finally paid off. I am so happy I can find U.S.A grooms for all my daughters.”
In a first for the Indian union, the U.S.A administration plans to abandon the weak rupee for the Andhra dollar — a solid gold coin weighing exactly one gram. Rami Reddy, a builder and real estate magnate, breathed a sigh of relief, “Thank god. The rupee is losing value so quickly that I cannot have my money sitting around anymore. I’ve had to reconstruct walls in my house three times in the last one week.”
Rami Reddy is just one of many who still follow the age-old practice in Andhra to stash rolls and rolls of black money in walls, secret safes and other contraptions to evade income tax authorities, as has been documented in numerous Tollywood films. The Andhra dollar has also been touted as a brilliant move as it will be the most solid as well as flashy currency in the international currency market that is largely dominated by paper and plastic currencies.
Vijayalakshmi, a housewife from Warangal, was excited about using the Andhra dollar, “Can you imagine money that can be worn and still not look silly? I don’t think there is going to be a prettier currency than the Andhra dollar. Also, we currently have to take a sack of Indian rupees for a kilo of onions. It is going to be so much easier to buy a sack of onions for under a dollar.”
The American ambassador to India was not happy with the move. He thought that the creation of U.S.A will hurt the American economy. “Telugu students are a big part of the American economy, and this union may well mean our universities will be running near-empty from the next academic year. The future could be very different. Can you imagine a National Spelling Bee contest without a Telugu-speaking winner?”
Vamsi Krishna, a techie in the San Francisco bay area, was unhappy for more than one reason. He rued the fact that he had no insider information on the creation of the U.S.A in India. He had just bought a million dollar house in California’s silicon valley area and with the announcement of U.S.A, the prices for new homes in America have plummeted to record lows.
“I’m part of the Telugu community in America and they didn’t bother to inform us before announcing to the world. This is very unfortunate. Besides, I no longer have special status in the Telugu community at home. What’s the use if every Telugu speaker is from the U.S.A? I’m thinking of moving to the European Union.”
For now, however, there is much to rejoice for people in the states of Telengana and Andhra Pradesh. Their dreams of having a separate state and being part of the same union has been realized. Long will live United States of Andhra.