Somewhere in Pakistan: 25-year old Ramesh Vinayagam(name changed) from south India knocks the door of the makeshift room in the base of mountainous terrain, somewhere in the north-western region of Pakistan. After getting reply from inside, he walks inside and stands before Aaya Sutta Vadakari, the recruitment manager for al-Qaeda International.
Aaya Sutta Vadakari (ASV): Welcome to the interview for a position in al-Qaeda in India.
Ramesh Vinayagam(RV) hands over the resume to the interviewer ASV.
ASV: A quick question. Did you come here by referral or via another source?
ASV: Please sit down. Glad to have you here. Ok, please tell me about yourself.
RV: Good Afternoon. This is Ramesh V. My hometown is Melapalayam but later settled in Chennai. To start with my education, I did my schooling in DAV school and then did my Bachelors in Chemical Engineering in IIT-M. Then, I was working under an infidel in a chemical company, when I felt that I need to do something for our brethren. So, I left my job and then sat through the lectures delivered by secular leaders and religious leaders across the nation. I was polarised enough to fantasize about blowing myself up in a busy street and to shoot 500 infidels with a single Sub.
ASV: That’s impressive! Do you know that we look for Chemical Engineers here? Tell me, how can you contribute to our cause?
RV: I can make bombs of all kind. Before coming here, I developed this chemical bomb, which blows on reacting to fart. We place this bomb in crowded train or bus and obviously, someone will fart and it blows up. Another bomb that I made, that waits for 5 requests of Candy Crush on Facebook and then blows up the desktop/laptop/mobile of the person sending that requests. My creations, by the will of god, are technically advanced and hard to detect by the infidel police.
ASV: That sounds good. Tell me, what if you are told to do blowjob?
RV: (Confused and breaks sweats) Er.. I.. blow.. It is.. No.. But..
ASV: (does action of bomb blasting) Blowjob! Blow job! Kaboom! Operate bomb from its vicinity and make it blow – that job.
RV: (wipes his sweat) Sure! I can. I said already that it is my dream. My passion. I can do your blowjob. I mean the blowing job.
ASV: Sweet! Have you had any experience of touching any bomb?
RV: During my college days, I used to go around the city in bus and rub myself with sex bombs there. But, I have dreams to rub real bombs.
ASV: So, you never had experience to do handjob? I see!
RV: (stares pathetically)
ASV: (goes through the resume) Here! You had mentioned that ‘you can behead a goat in 30 seconds’ under Technical Skills section. That seems to be world record. How fast can you behead an infidel?
RV: I think, I can do it in the same time as goat. I will work hard to set the world record in terms of beheading infidels. My friends used to say that my gibberish talks itself is equal to beheading. I can use this talent too to make sure we end up doing it fast.
ASV: That sounds excellent. But I love goats only alive. By the way, why did you score less in school, especially in 10th std. Any specific reason? Or you hate infidel education?
RV: I hate infidels and their education, no doubt in that. But I did my tenth standard in 2002 and..
ASV: Ah, got it. We will take revenge for this too. Because of Gujarat riots, you lost so many marks too. What are your hobbies man?
RV: With advent of social media, I spread the truth that RSS is the reason for all the disorders of the world including the tsunamis and floods. Rest of the time, I blame Israel Zionists for all the worldly disorders and force my infidel friends to pray for Gaza.
ASV: Such a nice boy. Do you know the benefits you get after you join Al Qaeda?
RV: Yes. I can get free trip to countries where I can reduce their population. I can also get 72 virgins in heaven after death. People in India will pray for me, after I die. The blame for all our actions will be put on RSS. To top that, if we are shot dead in encounter, then those policemen and ministers will be in jail.
ASV: Awesome. You forgot that we will get best porn DVDs, stuffs and hot girls to have fun too. Sometimes hot young boys too. (winks).
ASV: Ok. Your resume looks clean. And you have an eye for things and have passion to perform well here. You can join us even now. First, there will be an induction camp for a month, wherein, you will be taught how to handle weapons and do some exercise. I would recommend “Beheading the Dummies, Edition 4” and “The mujahideen who bombed his ferrari” motivation book for reading during the initial period. Then, we will have our in-house experts and foreign experts, who will take sessions on different forms of terrorism and how to propagate them. You should be trained to hold a rifle in hand while clinging on to our Toyota cars in further sessions. By the way, do you have any questions?
RV: My friend has joined ISIS last week. He says he is getting more money and more slave girls. When our company will get such shares?
ASV: We will, by the mercy of god.
RV: Thank you very much.
Soon after coming out of the interview room, a happy RV, aka, Ramesh Vinayagam updates his LinkedIn profile with the new job title, “Terrorist Trainee – al-Qaeda in India”, for which his liberal and intellectual friends wish him.