Monday, 26th February, 2018

All India Rapist Federation to divest from Metros, focus on rural Bharat

24, Aug 2013 By thepelicanclub

All India Rapist Federation has announced closure of all its business interests and activities in Metro areas. This unprecedented move came up in the wake of gang rape of a photo generalist in Mumbai.

The Federation has issued the following statement:

“We are happy to announce that for the safety of our Metro city dwelling mothers and sisters (maa-behen), we are closing down all our activities with immediate effect. We would like to thank Social Media, TV Panel discussions and Bollywood for making us realize our sins through fiery tweets, hyper aggressive anchors and celebrity meltdowns. All this combined instilled fear of god in our hearts.”

The move is being greeted with unanimous applause by women, police, politicians and Bollywood. The social media is abuzz with back slaps and high fives celebrating the social impact. Some enthusiasts have even created the All India Rapist Federation Facebook page which already has 2500 likes.

However, Faking News investigation has found that the move is not as noble as being claimed by the Federation. One disgruntled former member gave the inside scoop.

“The Federation has realized that cost of Raping has gone up astronomically in Metros with hyper active electronic and social media. The din of outrage even forces usually slow police to act. The Mumbai gang rape accused were arrested in a matter of hours. Not everyone has support base of Asaram Bapu. The Metro market is safe no more.”

“The Federation has advised its current and prospective members to expand in non-metro areas as there is much lesser risk of electronic/social media outrage, arrest and convictions.  They can focus fully on their beloved activity. The Federation has directed all its members who look 25 and under to compulsorily get a new birth certificate depicting them as juvenile as an added precaution.”

On being asked that was it change of heart about respecting women that made this member quit the federation, our source mocked as by saying “Alibagh se aila lagta hu kya” . As it turns out, our source agreed with Federation about heightened risks in Raping but he was of the opinion that we do not need to shift geography. Instead, they should focus on the lower socio economic segments that do not have access to electronic and social media and consequently police.

He gloated – “4 rape kiya basti me ek case bhi nahi likha police” loosely translated as – I raped 4 times in slums but police didn’t even register one complaint.