New Delhi: Air India reported today that it has apprehended a terrorist who was planning to crash an aircraft into Parliament but was unable to do so after he accidentally slept through the journey.
Mr. Wanhabee Ijhakar, 26, boarded Air India Flight 246 from Mumbai to Delhi with the intention of flying it in a decidedly violent and pyrotechnic manner into Parliament. However, once inside the plane, Ijhakar decided to grab a little shut-eye before making his move, only to be woken up three hours later by a stewardess who explained patiently that the aircraft had already touched down at the New Delhi International Airport and that all the passengers had left.
According to the stewardess in question, Mr. Wanhabee Ijhakar gave her a blank sleepy-eyed expression that swiftly turned into horror as he realised that he had missed his one big chance to wreak havoc in the capital. The mortified would-be hijacker then reportedly ran after an imagined stream of passengers, shouting “Wait! I’m not done yet! I haven’t threatened to lay waste to your city!“, at which point he was seized by a uniformed security guard.
Later in custody, the greenhorn terrorist told our reporter that he hadn’t slept at all the night before in anticipation of his big day. “I’ve been dreaming about this ever since I graduated out of the Laden Academy for Bombing and Violent Acts of Rebellion with top grades“, he sobbed. Ijhakar claims that he rejected job offers from both the Taliban and Al Qaeda to join a start-up terror outfit in India known as ‘Destiny Bombers’.
“Sure, Destiny Bombers doesn’t offer the perks that Al Qaeda does; you only get 58 virgins in heaven as compared to the industry standard of 72. But it’s all about the exposure. It can take years to work your way up the hierarchy in Al Qaeda and be part of a field attack. Destiny Bombers is a much flatter organization where you’re given a lot more responsibility. You can even address everyone by their first names. Of course, that never works because everyone’s always wearing black masks and hoods, but it’s the principle that counts.“
“It doesn’t matter any more“, he sighed. “I’ve let down everyone who believed in me.“
Indeed, Mr. Ijhakar may have done a little more than that. A spokesperson for Destiny Bombers said that the senior leadership of the group was so humiliated by the failed attack that they had shut themselves in their bunkers and were refusing to come out.
“Years of preparation wasted. We’ve failed as an organization“, said the spokesperson heavily. “Morale is at an all-time low – even lower than at Christmas when they told us the fat American in the red suit would not be coming to deliver free explosives.“
The Destiny Bombers spokesperson also admitted that they might need to change their name to operate again. “No one’s going to take us seriously any more. The hashtag #DestinyBombersCouldntHijackMyGrandmothersWheelchair is already trending on Twitter. We’ve been too lax. We have to close shop for a few months and re-emerge stronger than ever before, with a new name. Probably something less ambitious, like ‘Butterfly Boom’.“
Meanwhile, the country has bigger questions to address such as what to do with Ijhakar, whose spectacular goof-up has divided the nation into three camps – those that believe Ijhakar should be released as he’s clearly more of a danger to his organization than to his targets, those that feel Ijhakar should be punished for treason, conspiracy or at least incompetence, and those that feel Ijhakar should sell the rights to his story to Chuck Lorre so he can make a sitcom out of it.