A study compiled and published by the Indian Medical Association earlier today reports of a strange new epidemic gripping bowels of the Indian middle-class: constipation. As per the study, conducted over a period of two years, the number of reported cases of severe constipation witnessed a sharp rise of close to 40% (39.45%, to be precise) since May last year.
The study left researchers baffled as the findings prompted them to consult with a number of leading gastroenterologist in the country to arrive at a plausible explanation for this observed rise; initially to no avail, however. After many months and rounds of furious back-and-forth consultations with the gastro community, it was renowned Bombay-based physician Dr. Mohammed Javed Ali who finally cracked the mystery.
In a telephonic interview, he explained: “When I first found out about the team’s findings, a part of me instinctively felt that the similarity in time frames between the start of the epidemic and the BJP Lok Sabha victory was not coincidental, that there was definitely some correlation there. However it was only a few weeks later, when my daughter made me watch a video on YouTube by a comedian named Sorabh Pant talking about Muslim names, that the truth fully dawned upon me: it wasn’t just a mere case of correlation, the BJP victory was in fact a strong causal factor as well.”
“As the comedian succinctly puts it in his act: ‘lot of people’s asses just tightened right now’. Therein lay the key to the entire matter. Ever since the BJP won, tensions between Hindu and Muslim communities have seen a marked rise. It is this that has lead to an increase in the occurrence of ‘tightened asses’, which in turn has lead to the constipation epidemic that we are observing now.”
When questioned on whether a solution exists, the doctor has this to say: “Doctors have to take a palliative approach. While prescribing laxative’s addresses the symptoms, it doesn’t really change the fact that asses are still going to tighten any time communal issues crop up. Since we can expect tensions to remain slightly elevated at least for the duration of the BJP’s tenure, we have to start advising our patients to avoid stress and to try and take themselves and their religious identities slightly less seriously. I personally feel that encouraging Hindus and Muslims to make friends from the other community will go a long way in reducing communalism-induced stress: it’s that much harder to demonize an entire community if you can put a familiar face to it.”
In closing, Dr. Mohammed warned that “if the medical community doesn’t take a holistic approach in dealing with this problem then the only ones to benefit will be the laxative manufacturers and this will only serve to incentivize yet another group of people to fan communalist flames for self-serving gains.”