Saturday, 17th March, 2018

Valentine's day tips for single men

13, Feb 2015 By Debajyoti Ghosh

You are often spotted outside ‘couples only’ establishments articulating your views while being unceremoniously ushered towards the exit by the security guards, and later seen at Chinese restaurants occupying a table for one placed near the washroom.

depressed man
Help yourself

You dial your own number from the landline phone and listen to the caller tune you have set, and the last time you had a personalized interaction was when your debt collector called you. In other words, the reason why you own a mobile phone is known only to the person who sold it to you.

You start your day by posting questions like – “How much money does google make from g-mail ads?” on various online forums and file an RTI application demanding a copy of the FIR lodged against Nathuram Godse before you retire for the night.

If the above resonate with you then please follow the instructions mentioned below (if not then you are a rockstar and the nation salutes you):

  1. Kick-start the process by identifying 5-6 women who are not in a relationship with anyone (well, go for more. You have nothing to lose as far as your reputation is concerned).  Meet them individually at less crowded places and present your case like a humble yet a confident man (don’t overdo it and end up sounding like an Aquaguard salesman).  However, if passersby join in the discussion and crowd starts building up around you then abandon the discussion and gracefully amble towards the next location.  Repeat the process with other members from the list.
  2. Do not waste your time and money buying new clothes for the occasion. If you sartorial choice, i.e., your 250 rupees t-shirt could make any difference then you wouldn’t have been standing outside someone’s house today with a plastic rose in your hand.  Wear anything as long as it doesn’t defy social norms.
  3. If you manage to clear the preliminary stages and reach an advanced level where you are actually in conversation with the lady then,
    1. Refrain from discussing anything which could potentially jeopardize your chances of success. So ideally, you shouldn’t utter a single word, but the fundamentals of dating doesn’t allow you to just sit there staring blankly at everyone and be mistaken as a person suffering from speech impediment.  So yeah, stick to movies but use third person POV to describe the movies you have been watching of late, e.g., “One of my friends watched Deshdroni and…”  Now this friend of yours could either be an imaginary person or it could be Mr. Raj Thackeray, who watched a special screening of this cult movie assuming that the social works undertaken by his party was criticized by the makers of the movie.  However, when he came out of the theatre hall after achieving nirvana, he refused to make any comment and remained in a state of bewilderment for the next three days.  Meanwhile, the movie was successfully released all over India and was available to general audience during that period (before theatre owners took corrective measures), and Mr. Raj earned a place in the history as the first human who made an attempt to decode this epic saga.
    2. If she finds your jokes amusing and laughs uncontrollably then it’s not because your jokes are making any sense, it’s because she has lost her sanity due to the torture you have been inflicting on her. Please discontinue the process of exposing your IQ level voluntarily in front of a member of the opposite sex.
    3. If your conversation is frequently punctuated with the question, “So…what else?” then ask for the bill, divide the amount by 2, and pay your share. This open-ended question, driven by her quest for information, actually sums up the progress you have made so far.  And hence, it would be wise to remain single than be in a relationship where the other party incessantly assaults you with a question that doesn’t have an answer.
  4. Stay focused while the mission is underway. Consumption of alcoholic beverages, which triggers unusual behavioral patterns backed by the notion that you are a pretty good dancer, is highly discouraged.
  5. The entire world would be forced to sit up and take notice when you victoriously walk through the roads of you city or town with a lady by your side. Exactly what you wanted and exactly what would land you in trouble, because the entire world includes members of Shiv Shena as well.  However, do not back down when you are confronted by them.  Explain the significance of the day and stand for what you believe in.  This proven method has a 70% success rate.  The other 30% instances will not be discussed here as it falls within the purview of orthopedic branch of medical science.
  6. Finally, follow up the next day. If she starts behaving like a Shiv Shena activist with a huge support from the crowd, which is again building up around you as mentioned in point number 1, then follow exactly the same steps mentioned therein.