Friday, 27th April, 2018

The kind of people I encounter everyday

04, Dec 2013 By Gaurav Kabra

People – the Earth is full of people and Google suggests that apparently there are over 7 billion of them and counting. Unless you are Mr. Obama or some other Goddamn freakishly popular celebrity, you would end up meeting 10 people everyday on an average (unless you are Tusshar Kapoor whom no one wants to meet). That’s about 0.000000143% of 7 billion (Please verify this on your calculator later. I know numbers fascinate everyone – be it the size of your dick or your girl friend’s bra). When I say meeting, I mean meeting someone in person and getting involved in a dialogue, not stalking over Facebook or peeping through the key hole to watch someone undress. Even though the above percentage is as slim as the chance that Shahrukh Khan, Gauri Khan and Karan Johar do NOT get involved in a threesome, most of us still manage to find assholes and jerks in our daily life even in that small percentage. This post thus attempts to categorize the kind of people that I encounter in my day-to-day life.

1. The Facebook Beggars: These are the kind of people who beg even better than those trained beggars we come across at traffic signals and why – just to like a picture/post/page. Even though these beggars and you are nothing more than a number to each other on FB, the bhai-chara they show to get their motive fulfilled is Oscar winning. I have personally encountered such people quite a few times and if they are reading this and getting offended, here is what they can do to calm themselves down:

a. Copy and paste this post into a word file.

b. Print the word file in an A-4 sized paper. (If you are a blondie and has done this step successfully, gift yourself a dildo today)

c. Fold the paper 7 times and shove it up your ass.

d. In case you are unable to do the above, then you can go here (click it!).

2. The Wannabe Wannabees: Then there are those poor bastards who show-off like they know all about the chemical reactions that occur when fuel burns in a rocket engine. However, they also possess a very strong belief that Dr. Homi Jehangir Bhabha was one of the primary Mughal emperors of India. They are also the same people who claim to be hardcore rock ‘n’ roll ‘maniacs’ while they have never heard of Led Zeppelin. I have no grudge against idiots – it’s their birth right to be one. Hell, I think that with the increasing number of dumb fucks, the Indian government might introduce a 7th Fundamental Right into the constitution – Right To Be A Moron. After all the country is being run by a bunch of them so why not make it official?So as I was saying, its okay to be an idiot but it is not okay to behave and roam around as if you look like a George Clooney while you actually look nothing more than what appears to be a jaundice ridden Rajpal Yadav. I have observed that people would not make fun of you when you have already announced that you are a nincompoop. They will, however, be ruthless and merciless when they find that out on their own.

3. The Excess Of The EX-es:They never let go of you, do they? Somehow they always find a way to haunt you and suck the life out of your nostrils. They seem to have defined a whole new level of clingy-ness and I think that the day is not far when a fourth kind of adverb degree will have to be introduced into the English grammar to define that level (I suggest Chuck-Norris-Lative Degree, others please feel free to cast your opinions). They would mysteriously come to know the minutest details of your life even after the break-up like the smell of the cook’s breath who served you lunch, the number of hairs on your current girl friend’s mammary glands and even the number of corn seeds in your morning shit. Bin Laden would have been founded a lot earlier if the FBI had approached his ex girl-friends for help. And having a guy as your ex is even worse because then you would be followed everywhere which is so intense that it poses a serious competition to Hutch’s brave pug. Mind you when I say this – If you scream loud enough at the pinnacle of your anger, even AIDS can piss on itself and run away from your life but your ex…sigh!

4. The Religious Schmucks:These kind of people believe any or all of the below:

a. Not liking a pic of Vaishno Devi/Lord Hanuman on Facebook will transform their balls to a football which will be hit by Messi in a penalty shoot out. It is ONLY due to such hypocrites that India has become a place where assess like ASS-aram and Nirmal Baba prevail on the streets freely otherwise we do have a law under which mad dogs can be shot at their heads on sight.

b. Women are a disgrace to the society since it’s written in their ancient religious books. It’s like saying that Rahul Gandhi is the next PM of India – writing shit is different but believing in shits is a whole together different ball game.

c. Keeping fasts would please God and He would call them to heaven when they die of starvation. I only have one doubt in this case. They claim that they are God’s children so that technically makes God as their parent. Which parent on the face of mother earth would like to see their sons and daughters hungry? My mother would set my ass on fire if I don’t eat at least once in 2 hours. And that she could do without any super powers. I wonder what God could do to me if I don’t eat. I am shit scared of that scenario and hence I always eat like a hungry bastard!

On a lighter note, I would like to conclude by writing a few lines about my room mate as he is also among one of those people whom I encounter daily. No, he does not fall under any of the above mentioned categories. I am merely mentioning him to make this my epic come back after he hit me in the nuts with a Godrej 7 lever lock a few days ago. I did have an awesome plan to order a Nokia 3310 which I would have used to burst his walnuts but apparently it seems that Nokia has discontinued manufacturing weapons of mass destruction.

My Room Mate: This character is one of a kind I must say! This one time on a fine Saturday afternoon, he masturbated in the washroom and did not even flush!!!

I confronted him and said, “Dude what if I was going in to masturbate in there? Do you know how huge a turn off it would have been to see your off-white-coloured-snake-y shaped future kids floating in the toilet?”

He replied, “Dude! Are you scared that in case you also masturbated and our “snakes” collided, we might had to deal with a huge evil snake rising from the toilet like they showed in one of those Potter movies??”

God help this guy! Phew!