As I settled down on my Strandkorb, with a beer in one hand and my phone in the other, on a quiet, lazy Sunday afternoon, I prepared myself for the “awesome fun” I was about to have – Logging In to my Facebook account, and reading some comments like:
Comment 1: Chutiye!! NaMo is a mass murderer, unlike RaGa who talks about the real issues in India.
Comment 2: Gawaar!! Pappu is the dumbest guy in the world. Na roti, na daal, na achaar.. Abki baar, Modi Sarkaar.
Comment 3: You are an AAPtard!! Kejriwal is Fekriwal. I am a proud Indian.
General Elections have started in India. The largest and longest in the WORLD, with the voter pool being larger than the total populations of USA and Europe combined. In these times, if you are not favoring a political party, not flaunting your political inclinations, or not indulging in castrating the person with opposite political views than yours, then you are the Tusshhaar Kapoor of Golmaal Series. AAEEE.. UUU…. EEE… OHHH.. CHUUU. Also, like Simi Grewal’s age, few things never change during election time in India.. Hate speeches, Secular vs Communal debate, politicians changing parties, and Mulayam Singh Yadav, proving beyond doubt, what a royal piece of steaming hot turd he is.
To my utter dismay, display pics of some of the cutest girls I know, are now replaced either by a Kamal, a Jhadoo or “Talk to the Hand” image (I wish Sunny Leone had a political party too). People are going overboard with political discussions. Commenting, Recommenting, Reblogging, Retweeting of every political NEWS, major and minor, is as commonplace as dancing to Yo Yo Honey Singh at Gurgaon Oktoberfest, now known as The Big Fat Indian Punjabi Wedding. Guys, who once shared status updates like “Alia Bhat, you are my baby doll. I want to marry you” now have their FB walls, replete with blog links like “WHY I WOULD VOTE FOR MODI, and I am a Muslim”.
Don’t get me wrong. I am most thrilled when I see this “politically conscious” class in my country. With all the different views, discussions and information being floating around, I hope, this time, INDIA will vote logically, sensibly and rationally. For this is a BIG election, FOR India. As the “giant-middle-finger-to-the-common-man” rule of UPA comes to a close, people in India, are hoping for a CHANGE. They are hoping for a new leader, who is strong, authoritative, dynamic, cares a damn about the west, leads from the front.. their Dark Knight, their Messiah, their true hero – so basically, Kamaaal R Khan. Politicians, who in the past have got away by saying, Yeh Duniya Pittal Di, Baby Doll main Sone Di I AM IN POLITICS FOR DEVELOPMENT, are facing tremendous heat, for every speech they have made, every interview they gave. Skeletons are tumbling fast out of the closets. Every word is scrutinized, every action is judged and hilarious memes are being shared on social media. In all of this, my favourite candidate being, the person, credited always, for the revolutionary ideas she brings on the table – Jejusss ki Beti, Rakhi Sawant.
This brings me to my MAIN point that everyone has on their minds right now – Does no one in Election Commission’s Office think that Elections should be held in the BIG BOSS House? Imagine turning on the television every day at 9.00 pm, and Salman Bhai, connecting you to the future lawmakers of the country through ME TV, with the catch phrase “Alag Che!!” (Arnab Goswami will have a run for his money!!). 90 days of unabashed humour, with Modi, Kejriwal, Gandhi, Mulayam, Mayawati, Didi, all fighting it out for that coveted chair, which was once occupied by Rahul Roy. It would be fun to watch Laloo Yadav going “Mayawati.. Mujhe aaj anda khana hai, aur main anda khaunga. Kisi ke baap ka kitchen nahi hai yeh” and Mayawati going “AAAAAEEEEE…. Baap pe mat jaana!!!!”. OR to watch a fight between Narendra Modi and Rahul Gandhi, going on against one another, MAN TO MAN, and Rahul Gandhi screaming at Modi’s face “Saale, tu bahar mil mujhe.. Tu jaanta nahi meri Maa kaun hai… Haath laga ke dikha”. Or finally, the anouncement.. “Big Boss chahte hain ki Arvind Kejriwal confession room mein aa jaen”
Arvind: Ji Big Boss. (Cough, Cough)
Big Boss: Arvind, Big Boss chahte hain ki aap Junta to Bataein ki Sheila ne aapse kya kaha aur aapki ladai kyon hui?”
Arvind: Ji, dekho ji.. Hum toh chote log hain, samaj ke dabe kuchle log. Woh theri Lutyens bungalow waali. Kal Chai ka bartan saaf karne samay boli.. Arvind, tumne bartan ganda kiya hai, tum hi dho.. Maine bola, Madam, jab main Delhi ki junta ko muft paani nahi de paaya, toh yahan kahan se doonga. Kaise saaf karunga bina paani ke!!”
Big Boss: Arvind, AAP bahut bolte hain.
Arvind: Big boss, mujhe shaq hai aap Mukesh Ambani hain. Dikhte kisi ko nahi hain, but poora control aapke haath mein hi hai.
Big Boss: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
I think that would make a better reality series than the current one being played out by the Media. And I am sure, we will get to know more about our political leaders, in the BIG BOSS house, than we know right now. Or perhaps, all of them should participate in Roadies XI: RIDE FOR RESPECT. That would be fun, NO? To watch Raghu and Rajiv screaming on top of their bald heads “Behen ke L***!! Yeh Roadies hai, yahan tum jaise LOSERS ke liye koi jagah nahi. Yahan RESPECT ke liye aate hain log
Let’s start voting then. “Didi ko bachaane ke liye, apne mobile se type kare didi, D.. I.. D…I. Aur bhej dijiye 52525 par.. Voting lines only open for India and UAE viewers”