Friday, 20th April, 2018

Live: Inside scoop from the Election Victory Bash at RSS HQ

20, Oct 2014 By Kroor Singh

Where’s the party tonight?? Right here at the RSS HQ in Nagpur where a big bash is being organized to celebrate BJP’s twin election victories in the Maharashtra and Haryana assembly polls. I can’t believe I got hold of free Pracharak passes, these babies are like gold dust right now as the who’s who of the Sangh Parivar has descended here to join in the celebrations. There was some awkwardness earlier when an excitable Advaniji requested to tag along as my +1 but I had to decline politely. Everyone has been strictly informed that the Margdarshak Mandal will have the privilege of an ‘exclusive’ party at the nearby retirement home. So, I had to personally escort him there and put up with his sulking and whining all along.

Anyway, I made it back in time and what unprecedented scenes in here folks. Sarsanghchalakji kicked things off with the customary pledge but in the middle of his RSS salute he flipped over his palm and broke in to an impromptu knife-on-heart mujra dance move to signal the commencement of the debauchery. It was met with lusty cheers of ‘Heil Chief!’ from all and sundry. Since then everyone’s been binge-drinking on strong lemonades while head banging to Vande Mataram (the original hardcore one, not Rehman’s sissy ass version).

Gadkariji has been devouring plates after plates of Samosas, NEAT! Yes you heard me, without any Chutney! Ram Madhav was seen marching around giving Nazi salutes while Rajnathji is pumping out Surya Namaskars with astonishing agility for a man of his age. I was told he was trying to catch the attention of Modiji. The poor guy is paranoid about being ‘elevated’ to the Margdarshak Mandal. Meanwhile, Togadiaji was involved in an ugly brawl with the DJ who was stupid enough to play ‘Azeemoshan Shehen Shah” as a tribute to Amitbhai Shah. The idiot thought he was being clever but he should know better than to play songs which are not in keeping with our Indian culture. Thankfully, IB officers were at hand to sort out the ‘encounter’. One can see Amit Bhai’s legendary efficiency everywhere one looks these days.

Guess what! Barack Obama is also in the house as the guest of honour for the celebrations, Woot! I heard it was all Sushmaji’s idea. ‘Who should be called’, they asked. ‘With the victory of LOTUS, who better than POTUS?’, pat said Sushmaji, channelling her inner poetess. Clever, no? Being EAM she is always thinking on her feet like that. Thankfully, that Adani fellow’s jet was on stand by and Obamaji was here just in time.

Earlier, I overheard Bhagwatji trying to convince him that he is also a Hindu. Something about USA being the native land of American Indians and all Indians being Hindu, he explained. The argument sounded legit to me but Obamaji still looked sceptical. Thankfully they were distracted by loud cheers as Devendra Fadnavis and some enthusiastic karyakartas tried to hoist Modiji and Amit bhai on their shoulders in an ill thought out attempt at a lap of honour around the hall. They soon realized their folly and a Rath had to be hastily arranged to complete the lap. Fadnavisji, visibly exhausted from the effort, was heard saying, “They have carried us through so many elections, I just thought its time we carried them”. What Sanskaars! This guy is a Virat Hindu I tell you, very bright future.

Chalo, I have to be leaving now. Modiji has had ‘Made in India’ playing in a loop for the last half an hour, the man is obsessed I tell you. I am off to request the DJ for an encore of our dance anthem – ‘Shakha all night, Shakha all night, We do Shakha all night!’. Its going to be one wild night folks! Heck, everyone’s wearing full pants so you can be sure that all bets are off tonight. See you on the other side. Cheerio!!