Sunday, 18th March, 2018

Have you been MODIfied yet?

26, Jun 2015 By abhivatz

This is a full blown satire. Well, at least an attempted full blown satire. I needed that declaration to be done at the beginning, so that if this post makes its way to a reputed news agency’s office (not that faking news is not one of the biggest source of truth when it comes to news), I want to be able to defend myself against a medieval style trial by media, where no matter what I do, I would come out as a loser. Also, I cannot afford a high potential lawyer, or any lawyer for that matter, probably Jolly LLB, that too if I can pay the fee in installments.

Now that we have got the pleasantries out of our way, lets dive in to the meat of the things, or if you prefer vegetarian, soybean of the things!

A month ago Narendra Modi’s government completed one year in the power, and like any one year old, this government seems to shit three times a day, wants unnecessary attention & care and everyone wants to record every breathing moment of its life!

It seems like only yesterday, when the George Clooney of Indian politics came surfing down to the Prime minister’s position on the tsunami of the votes. This tsunami destroyed everything we thought we knew about how we prefer to vote. For the first time, the issue was development & good governance rather than cast or religion. Well, to be fair, the issues of cast & religion were also there, but nobody was paying any attention to them, and this lack of payment, led to the starvation of these issues on the voting day.

The cries of “Unke paas sardaar hai, jo asardaar nahi” , “Acche din” & of course the timeless “Ab ki baar modi sarkaar” still remains fresh in my ears, partly because I think I lost my power of hearing slightly after that constant bombardment of loudspeaker voices and supporters emptying their lungs for a person who promised them samosa & chai afterwards.

Last one year can be described as “overwhelming” (for the lack of my vocabulary power) for anyone across the globe who has anything to do with an Indian sperm. Let’s now do the cliché. Let us look back at some of the highlights of our MODIfication. In the interest of our attention span, I will try to keep it as short as possible.

First off, even the harshest critic of our beloved PM need to accept this fact.


And it’s not a swag of any normal kind. It is the kind of swag that the first creature had, “who said enough is enough, I am moving to land” or one of the first ancestors who said, “This is just appalling, the way you guys are behaving, I am going to evolve myself into a thinking creature, who one day will develop the power to destroy his own planet”.

The bar for how a PM should behave was so low at that point in the country that, when NaMo did what he was supposed to do, we as a nation were so proud of him that we dubbed him as this charismatic leader, who knew how to get things done! Wait a minute! Isn’t that the basic definition of leadership?

But, taking this cue, I have made changes in my life as well. The other day I applauded my cook for cooking my food! He threw me a confusing look and asked if I was drunk. To which I replied, “NO I AM NOT!! you Modi hater!” and stormed off from my own flat. He sent me a text the next day to inform me he will never come back.

One of the highlights of his regime has been his foreign travel. Our “Pradhan Sevak” has been keeping busy spreading the awareness of our great country and its potential to various superpowers of the world like Bhutan, Nepal, Fiji & even Seychelles!

Now, let us all be honest! We don’t know how to correctly pronounce this word, “Seychelles”, also, we never knew there is a country by this name, before our PM visited that place. FYI it is a 115-island country! Google for more details.

June 16th & 17th 2014 was the first time he stepped out of homeland. And, what was his first country of choice to visit? Bhutan! Frigging Bhutan!

Presumably he was invited there by their king to inaugurate the supreme court of Bhutan, which was funded by us!

I don’t know about you guys, but I am very disappointed as a tax payer! I would’ve rather used my money to buy an iPad than to use it to provide an infrastructure for a stable justice system in a country in which I would probably never go! I mean what is the point? Plus, if their justice system’s epitome is financed by us, they are doomed anyways, except for the people with fame, money & power. Those guys are safe.

But here is the thing, something magical happened in this tour! Unlike any of our previous diplomatic travels, Mr. Modi had hired Seth Godin as his secret strategist! As a result, we started hearing corporate jargons for the first time in Indian politics. This one was B4B (Bharat for Bhutan and/or Bhutan for Bharat).

Classic MBA move NaMo! **Slow Clap**

This got such a huge response by media that Godin was made permanent for all his moves! The pool of 26 letters suddenly had the potential to pump out catchy short forms. A potential which nobody ever tapped before. In that sense NaMo was quickly becoming the next Ambani! (A liitle bit of oil joke there :D)

Some of the other acronyms which made their way to people’s heart & mind included, introduction of 4P’s of marketing, which in this case meant People, Private, Public Partnership; Focusing youth to 3S (Skill, Scale, Speed); 5Ts for reviving brand India (Talent, Tradition, Tourism, Trade, Technology) and my personal favourite, ROAD (Responsibility, Ownership, Accountability, Discipline) which he said was the mantra for success at one of the Make in India campaign address.

Even his plans were catchy! “Jan Dhan Yojna” & “Swacchh Bharat” are two of his probably most successful plans. These plan names were like the names of Indian mythological characters. Everybody knew what it was, but when it came to details, well, everybody had his/her own opinion.

But, it was not only the foreign visits that grabbed everybody’s attention, it was the grandeur with which he executed every visit! He came to limelight with his US visit, where for a moment even President Obama was surprised to see the number of Indians in the land of the free!

He did everything right, from convincing everybody that he is best, to quote Hollywood lines! Obama tried competing with him when he visited our country, and everybody’s reaction was LOL!

Obama, you might be the leader of the free world, but, Modi has the support of sheer numbers. Never mess with his style! Mind it!

If you were living under a rock, or were too busy not following Modi’s illustrious receptions in various powerhouse countries of both west & east, let me take an attempt to summarize his visits to you:

“People of various walks of life came together to praise the one true king! They sang the songs of glory, painted his pictures, dedicated dances to his name & the businessmen just showered all their investment money on him.

Usually, after the crowd was warmed up enough, he would ride on a horse which would be spray painted gold to the stage, he would get down from the horse, moonwalk towards the podium, refer to people as “puny humans” and then would leave afterwards in a jet pack!”

The best part is, I didn’t even have to make an effort of exaggeration, because, if you would’ve asked one of the hypnotized Indian leaving the venue, he would pretty much stick to the same visual image, with some changes of words here & there.

Amidst all this, our, beloved Indian media lost its shit! Let me explain that. You know how our media gets super excited when nothing happens? Well, imagine what their “war-rooms” would look like, if something really happened!

Modi kept performing, media kept asking for more. They truly lived up to the glorious title that they’ve come to acquire “presstitutes”. A solid example of our lack of tact in media came, when Nepal told us to f**k off! We were behaving like that irritating uncle who complained about the facilities & food in somebody’s funeral rituals.

In conclusion of this shallow attempt of writing something which would hardly reach a few editors, the real question is, why are you still reading this? If you are reading this because you think you should publish it, do let me know, I am not Modi, who knows what people are thinking about him.

But, As a citizen of this country, suddenly I am super proud! On what you ask?

Well, on the fact that, at least something is being done, or at least we are told that something is being done. I think for now I can live with that.

Cynicism has not set in yet in this country, but that is also because the bar of disappointment is quite low. But, I am an optimistic person. I never lose hope. He will disappoint soon enough! We need to be patient, that’s all!